So, it has been a challengeing week leading up to my birthday. I have a bad habit of building things up and getting excited over things. So 2 weeks ago, me, Ken, and my brothers and sister in law decided to go tubing Saturday for my birthday, then on Sunday my mom and dad was gonna take us all to the river for some river tubing on the boat. Then on top of that Ken and I have the next week off and we are staying home so there was one thing I wanted to do, go to Big Kahuna's... So, let's fast forward to last week (around the 22nd-24th)... Ken calls, he has to work 2 of our 5 days of vacation... BUMMER!!!! I was very disappointed to be missing 2 days of vaca with my hubby (but very blessed we had not already booked something or decided to go out). Next, my brother told us he had to work that weekend, and no one (including me) wanted to go tubing without him (but he is VERY blessed to have a job... that he is getting awesome OT in). Daddy didn't get a chance to work on the boat... so no river on Sunday. Last but not least (before I get to my awesome weekend)... Like I said 1 thing I wanted to do on my stayca was Big Kahuna's, b/c of Ken having to work, we had 2 days we would be able to do this, Monday (today) and Tuesday... woke up this morning to a fabulous storm (blessed bc we needed the rain)... that has lasted allllll day. Tomorrow doesn't look much better on the weather channel. So NOTHING has turned out as planned.
However, the plans that God worked out to replace mine we pretty great. Saturday Ken and I got up and went to breakfast (I was able to get him to eat at Hardee's, though he did pray for his life), then went to Aunt Wanda's pool and spent the afternoon in the pool, Uncle Lamar cooked hamburgers and we ate a good lunch with them, and Ashley and Taylor. Then we went home to get ready for my bday dinner at Blackwater Bistro. I have to say we were one hot couple! I was touched and realized how truly blessed I am to have such wonderful family show up for my birthday dinner. I enjoyed spending the time with my family. They ROCK. Sunday was a good day with my nephews, running through the sprinkler with my nephews and shooting waterguns at each other! And although today fell through with Big Kahuna's I had such a lovely relaxing day with my husband, puppy dog, and blankie, laying on the couch watching movies and tv and reading. So... it all turned out great.
I still have one birthday wish I asked for from God... but it was just kinda one of those little things I think/pray about all the time anyways, but what a wonderful time, my birthday :)
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
envy and sadness
Lately I have felt... empty. I'm not sure why. I feel exhausted mentally, physically, and most of all spiritually. Like I am going through the motions. I hate it. But I have yet to figure out the "quick fix" for it. So I am praying and keep on moving through my life, and more praying. It is not that I dislike my life. I love my life. I love my job (surprise I know), my family (including my inlaws cause they are great), my church, my friends. But I feel like I'm missing out. on something. somewhere. somehow. (not that I have time to fit anything else in my life)
I sometimes wonder if the hugeness (is that a word? ... is now.) of my desire for children is what is keeping God from blessing me. Do I want to much? Do I make the thought of children an idol before me? I pray that is not what I am doing. I feel so alone in this sometimes, though I know I am not. I wonder if anyone else has wanted children or something similar so badly that they had to wonder if it was consuming them. I hold my niece, nephews, or other children and wonder what their parents did right that I can't or didn't do that would have God bless them with such wonderful treasures. Even when my nephews are being little snots :)
I have to remind myself daily, hourly... that God said "For I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11) Then I wonder, what if God's plans for me is not in line with my plans / desires? What if the "good plans" He has for me is to not have children... would I ever be okay with that? Would I be able to handle that? At this point, unfortunately I can't say that I could. Maybe, if Iknew for sure it was never going to happen. But I hate this waiting and wondering game... every month praying that it happens... every day.
I think I hate the feeling that I'm not good enough. That crosses my mind alot. Maybe I'm not good enough to have children. Maybe God knows that I would forget to do something to take care of them, or that they would be better with someone else... I know that is Satan, and I shouldn't let him steal my peace (which I do have peace about this occassionally). I try to convince myself that I will be okay either way and even forget about it... a little. Then I hear about the newest pregnancy in my group of friends / family and realize how much I still struggle with it. How can everyone I know be pregnant and not me?? Then I realize how that is coveting something someone else has and have to repent.
I pray that God will one day... one day give me the desires of my heart. And I pray that if He chooses not to, that He will let me know soon (I'm tired of wondering) and will be the peace in my heart, because I don't know if I could handle that on my own.
I sometimes wonder if the hugeness (is that a word? ... is now.) of my desire for children is what is keeping God from blessing me. Do I want to much? Do I make the thought of children an idol before me? I pray that is not what I am doing. I feel so alone in this sometimes, though I know I am not. I wonder if anyone else has wanted children or something similar so badly that they had to wonder if it was consuming them. I hold my niece, nephews, or other children and wonder what their parents did right that I can't or didn't do that would have God bless them with such wonderful treasures. Even when my nephews are being little snots :)
I have to remind myself daily, hourly... that God said "For I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11) Then I wonder, what if God's plans for me is not in line with my plans / desires? What if the "good plans" He has for me is to not have children... would I ever be okay with that? Would I be able to handle that? At this point, unfortunately I can't say that I could. Maybe, if Iknew for sure it was never going to happen. But I hate this waiting and wondering game... every month praying that it happens... every day.
I think I hate the feeling that I'm not good enough. That crosses my mind alot. Maybe I'm not good enough to have children. Maybe God knows that I would forget to do something to take care of them, or that they would be better with someone else... I know that is Satan, and I shouldn't let him steal my peace (which I do have peace about this occassionally). I try to convince myself that I will be okay either way and even forget about it... a little. Then I hear about the newest pregnancy in my group of friends / family and realize how much I still struggle with it. How can everyone I know be pregnant and not me?? Then I realize how that is coveting something someone else has and have to repent.
I pray that God will one day... one day give me the desires of my heart. And I pray that if He chooses not to, that He will let me know soon (I'm tired of wondering) and will be the peace in my heart, because I don't know if I could handle that on my own.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Updates
Everyone in the family is doing well. We have lots of birthdays this week! My father in law, my nephew Hunter, and my niece Aiyana! Analia will be 3 months old this week and her mom and dad are taking her to get her ears pierced! :) Ken's infection is gone! Praise God!! There are supposedly more things going on they are sending him to an endocronologist for. So still keep him in your prayers, but he has improved, mood wise, energy wise and everything. God is so good!!
I have not done my 30 Day Shred in two weeks!! I know, shame shame. But, I started back tonight, bc I could tell a difference, not so much in my size, as in the flabby-ness in my tummy. So hopefully I can have that under control soon! I would still like to loose at least 40 more lbs... so I'm still working on that.
I have not done my 30 Day Shred in two weeks!! I know, shame shame. But, I started back tonight, bc I could tell a difference, not so much in my size, as in the flabby-ness in my tummy. So hopefully I can have that under control soon! I would still like to loose at least 40 more lbs... so I'm still working on that.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Happiness
I am reading a new book. It is a bible study called "Managing Your Moods" my husband will be the first to thank God I'm doing this :)
Today's lesson was on Happiness. It is amazing we don't think about the way we lower our standards so that we will be happy, we avoid situations that may compromise that happiness.
"I want no regrets, so I will take no chances. I do not want to feel shame, so I will blend quietly into the crowd. I don't want to be disappointed, so I'll lower my expectations. I do not feel happy when I am embarrassed, so I will avoid speaking up. I don't want to experience sadness, so I will not allow myself to care. We set up emotional comfort zones and stay within them. No one can make us budge, not even the Lord."
My question is... is this happiness? And is it really worth that cost?
God help me break out of my comfort zone of "happiness"
Today's lesson was on Happiness. It is amazing we don't think about the way we lower our standards so that we will be happy, we avoid situations that may compromise that happiness.
"I want no regrets, so I will take no chances. I do not want to feel shame, so I will blend quietly into the crowd. I don't want to be disappointed, so I'll lower my expectations. I do not feel happy when I am embarrassed, so I will avoid speaking up. I don't want to experience sadness, so I will not allow myself to care. We set up emotional comfort zones and stay within them. No one can make us budge, not even the Lord."
My question is... is this happiness? And is it really worth that cost?
God help me break out of my comfort zone of "happiness"
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Fasting and prayer
So, I was praying... just my daily, multi time a day prayers, short little thank yous, prayer for patiences, etc. And God really spoke to me... Kind of like that thought in the back of your mind, but I know, the Tosha I know, would NEVER think this on her own.
As many are aware we've struggled getting pregnant. We've recently found out that Ken has some problems, though not directly related to it, but could be an indirect reason we are stuggling. He has had to have a handful of doctor's appointments and test and the such.
I pray on a daily, multiple time a day, basis for my husband, and one of those is a prayer of healing. However, as I was praying yesterday, God said that I need to fast for him (see I told you that wouldn't have come from me!) I needed to fast 1 meal a day. Also that I need to memorize and claim some healing scriptures and promises for our lives.
I started my fast today, I know to some of you that can go to veggies, fruit and water for 40 days, 1 meal a day is scoffed at. However, I chose supper for a couple reasons, 1) I can make sure to spend that time in prayer (whereas at work I would get easily sidetracked) and 2) it is by far my favorite meal of the day (lunch is usually leftovers).
I also looked up some great scriptures on healing that I thought I would share with everyone.
(Exodus 15:26 NKJV) and said, "If you diligently heed the voice of the LORD your God and do what is right in His sight, give ear to His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you which I have brought on the Egyptians. For I am the LORD who heals you."
(2 Chronicles 7:14 NKJV) "If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. **I enter here.. "and heal their body"
(Psalms 30:2 NKJV) O LORD my God, I cried out to You, And You healed me.
(Isaiah 53:5 NKJV) But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.
(Jeremiah 17:14 NKJV) Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; Save me, and I shall be saved, For You are my praise.
(Jeremiah 30:17 NKJV) For I will restore health to you And heal you of your wounds,' says the LORD
As many are aware we've struggled getting pregnant. We've recently found out that Ken has some problems, though not directly related to it, but could be an indirect reason we are stuggling. He has had to have a handful of doctor's appointments and test and the such.
I pray on a daily, multiple time a day, basis for my husband, and one of those is a prayer of healing. However, as I was praying yesterday, God said that I need to fast for him (see I told you that wouldn't have come from me!) I needed to fast 1 meal a day. Also that I need to memorize and claim some healing scriptures and promises for our lives.
I started my fast today, I know to some of you that can go to veggies, fruit and water for 40 days, 1 meal a day is scoffed at. However, I chose supper for a couple reasons, 1) I can make sure to spend that time in prayer (whereas at work I would get easily sidetracked) and 2) it is by far my favorite meal of the day (lunch is usually leftovers).
I also looked up some great scriptures on healing that I thought I would share with everyone.
(Exodus 15:26 NKJV) and said, "If you diligently heed the voice of the LORD your God and do what is right in His sight, give ear to His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you which I have brought on the Egyptians. For I am the LORD who heals you."
(2 Chronicles 7:14 NKJV) "If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. **I enter here.. "and heal their body"
(Psalms 30:2 NKJV) O LORD my God, I cried out to You, And You healed me.
(Isaiah 53:5 NKJV) But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.
(Jeremiah 17:14 NKJV) Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; Save me, and I shall be saved, For You are my praise.
(Jeremiah 30:17 NKJV) For I will restore health to you And heal you of your wounds,' says the LORD
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