Self doubt and pity

I don't know what it was all about today. I'm sure it was attacks from Satan but geese will he just give up already?!?!

Had an amazing time of slipping into a blissful worship session with my Creator... When the song 'How He loves me' comes on.

This is an amazing song:
He is jealous of me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the wind and the rain of His mercy.

How He loves me, oh how he loves me...

This last loving wonderful worship song I get to this chorus about how much God is in love with little ol me ... And here comes that evil whisper...

"God doesn't really love you... If He did He would give you the desires of your heart like He promises... He doesn't even care what you want."

I definitely had to rebuke that thought but I guess in a way it is my fault because I still entertain the thought... I do wonder if God does really love me. And if so then why? Alll I seem to be lately is a whined for not getting what I want and when I want it... I am the whined in the grocery store who gets on your nerves... Heck... I am getting on my nerves!

Oh how He loves me

This week I've been being attacked by Satan on a number of levels, one in particular.  That my past sins and how I led my life while I was away from Him is the reason that we are having problems conceiving, why Ken is having health problems, etc.  I have essentially felt like, I am being punished, and I mean, what can I say, I did the sin.  These thoughts and doubts led me to wonder, am I really saved, does He really care?   OF course I am!!!  God is going to deliver me through this battle too.

A wonderful lady prayed over me today and I haven't told anyone how I felt about it being my fault.  But her prayers basically consisted of God wiping away my past sins, not only in forgiveness, but out of my mind, to allow me to forgive myself!!!!  What an amazing concept.  I make myself feel worse about the situation because I have not forgiven myself, until today!!!

God is amazing, and I'm here to tell you that He will take you, shake you, and deliver you! 

Fear doubt and resentment

Sometimes I don't know what to think about the whole baby thing. I've had people pray for me and the situation, they've told me that God is going to give me the desires of my heart, and I believe that... most of the time.

Satan has really been attacking me with doubt, fear, questions, anger at God, etc etc. It is HARD to hold to the truth sometimes. I feel so beat down sometimes I don't even think I know what the truth is!!! I question if the people really heard from God telling them He will give me the desires of my heart... or they are just saying that... but you know, not EVERY time does God want what you want... I just don't think it happens that way.  There are some things, for some reason, God doesn't see that being the best path for your future.  I understand it, but I don't like it.

But I do know that I have to trust in Him, that He will direct me.  I have to learn to give myself to His ways and what He wants for my life. Maybe I will get there one day and stop letting satan attack me from all sides.

Friends

I cannot thank God enough for sending us amazing friends!!  He has definitely blessed us with Jaime & Dane!  Ken is so glad that I have a girlfriend to take shopping now (he HATES to go) and I am so grateful to have someone to talk to.  Ken has a friend they can do stuff (like burn the pile of brush in our backyard) with that isn't scared of catching the house on fire.... not so sure how grateful I am of that - haha - but the house did NOT catch on fire, just for the record.  God is very good to us and knows just the right people to add to our life!

Boating = Epic Fail

Ken and I are on vacation this week... and it has been wonderful.  We decided sometime this week we would go out on Daddy's boat. 

So our first try was on Tuesday, but it was supposed to storm early afternoon. So we decided not to chance getting stuck in the storm.  Instead we went to breakfast, then to Walmart. I went shopping with Jamie after that :) Long fun day!

Second try on Wednesday. Get to Mom & Dad's and the trailer doesn't fit on Ken's hitch ball or whatever that thing-a-ma-jiggy is called. But it was okay... we went to Defuniak Springs to Chataqua Winery.  On the way back we stopped at the riverwalk and ate our lunch we packed for the boat.  It was so----o nice!!  :) We went to Pensacola to get a 2" thing-a-ma-jiggy so we could go boating today.  On the way back I was able to see my niece!  She is growing so fast!  Just think, God's hand was in us not getting the boat on the thing-a-ma-jiggy!  We were able to enjoy beautiful scenery, have a wonderful lunch in a beautiful spot with my loving husband, and see my niece I haven't been able to see for a while!

So, today comes.  We get the hitch thing-a-ma-jiggy and it doesn't fit on the truck... then we start looking at Ken's closer, and it IS a 2" thing-a-ma-jiggy!!!!!  hahahahaha!! So, we go down and get the boat on the truck. We get to the basin and put in. I noticed the boat sank down pretty bad when we got in, I was like "sheesh I couldn't have gained THAT much weight on our vacation!" Ken forgot to put the plug in, we were takin' on water!!  So we got the water out, the plug in and tried to crank up... and tried to crank up.... and... well you get the picture.  It didn't ever turn over, apparently the battery for that was dead.

Our next thought... We will just take the trolling motor and fish a little in the basin... as we are going around the basin and the trolling motor screws strip out of the boat!!!!!!!!!!!  So now we have no big motor, no trolling motor... luckily Daddy had a paddle in the boat.  Well, it was a busted paddle, but a paddle just the same :) We did finally make it to shore.

I swore to Ken I would not have anymore "good" ideas. And if I do I will keep them to myself!!!

But Rebel had fun!! :)