God Speaks

Sometimes I worry that my thoughts are not in line with God.  Not that I'm doing something wrong, but that when I ask for an answer, and that thought in the back of your head that says the answer... you know what I mean?

So, we all know my situation with the desire for children, and the outlook that it is possible that it may not happen. It has been a rough emotional weekend, being pulled between my utmost joy for my new little niece to arrive in town, and then the devil trying to steal my joy by those little thoughts of "This will never be you" "No one will ever be coming to visit you and your baby in the hopsital." etc etc etc.

At church this morning I was praying at the alter, my prayers recently have changed from asking God for the desire of my heart (a child) to asking God to just take away those desires, I'm tired of hurting.  Begging Him at points to just take them away.  Then I stopped... and just prayed for God to speak to me, so clearly that I knew it was Him, not wonder if it was just what I wanted to hear.  Mom got some people to pray for us, and was bluntly honest (I love my mommy) and told them "They want a baby"  And they prayed that God would fulfill the desires of our hearts. I know that God is able, I know that He is loving and merciful, and by those means ONLY am I worthy of him fulfilling my desires.  But I know that He loves me, and that surely must account for something.

From today on, I will start looking at why God will bless us with a child, instead of all the reason He wouldn't.  I know:
1) He is my Daddy in heaven and daddy's always want their little girls to have what they want.
2) He is loving
3) He is merciful
4) He promised me the desires of my heart
5) All good things come from Him

I'm looking forward to the great testimony this will be.... against all of the world's odds, He will show His wonderful mercy and miracles!!

Rough Day

I am having a rough day today with the whole "wanting" stage. I thought I had gotten a lot better about it... obviously not. I keep hoping that the shots that Ken is taking will help, but the more I research it, there is no guarantee that it will help.  Will it ever be my turn?  Is there a reason for this?  I guess I just really do not understand, as much as I try to wait on God... I sometimes can't help but wonder if He has turned His back on me in this area in my life.  Life is blooming all around me, except within me.  I think it kills a piece me a little more and more each day. 

I know He will provide, but even Jesus asked "Why have you forsaken me?"