The desires of your heart

I hear this a lot “Don’t worry, He will give you the desires of your heart.”  And I have stood on that and brought it to remembrance a lot.  It has also been the “justification” if you will, of my anger toward God when in my mind He hasn’t followed through with that.

But – as I was riding along with my daddy on the back of his motorcycle yesterday I had a lot of prayer and reflection time and God urged me to look at the whole of that verse. 

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

DELIGHT – what does “to delight” mean? 

de·light (noun)

a strong feeling of happiness : great pleasure or satisfaction

delight (verb)

to make (someone) very happy : to give (someone) great pleasure or satisfaction

So it seems that delight is similar to praise – Give great pleasure (delight) to the Lord and I believe he will return that by giving you a strong feeling of happiness.

Now – back to me.  I have NOT been pulling through on my part of that verse.  I have been expecting God to give me the desires of my heart without focusing on delighting myself in Him!  That must change!!

Let’s go one step further though – What is this verse in context?  Lets look at the surrounding verses. 

Psalm37:3-5 says:

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe patsures.  Take delight in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this.

There is a lot more to this than we want to actually do before “demanding” of God the desires of my heart (which unfortunately is what I feel like I have been doing lately).  He has spoken quietly into my heart like a good father does and said – “Tosha – TRUST me.  Do what I have asked of you (do good).  ENJOY what I have given you already.  Take great pleasure in me – I will come through.  Commit yourself to me – my timing is perfect timing.  It is okay to not be in control.”

And as I take a deep sigh – I let this sink into my heart of hearts.  He will come through – I do not have to be in control. 

Even if the healing doesn't come

I have had a song running through my head that has really made me think this afternoon – actually it has been on and off for a couple of days – but the lyrics say “Even if the healing doesn’t come; And life falls apart; And dreams are still undone; You are God, You are good; Forever faithful One; Even if the healing doesn’t come.”  I had to think – do I really feel that way?  Even if I never get pregnant?  Or if I don’t get pregnant this month.  Can I still say He is good?  I don’t always feel like the answer to that question is yes.  Shocking = I know.  But I don’t.  I get angry and demanding and upset – I’m human.  But the reality of the matter is – YES – Even if I NEVER conceive – Even if I NEVER hold my baby in my arms – He is GOOD and FAITHFUL in all that He does. 

The rest of the song goes on to say “You’re still the great and mighty one; We trust You always; You’re working all things for our good; We’ll sing Your praise”    -- to me this means that even if I don’t understand He is working all things for my good – as a child of God He is fighting tooth and nail to help me overcome myself and the sin in the world to give me what I desire – BUT – He sees the whole picture I only wish I could see.

And the song ends with “You are God and we will bless you; As the good and faithful One; You are God and we will bless you; Even if the healing doesn’t come.”  I have to start looking at my blessings more than my “holes”.  I am not sick – my family is not sick – Both my husband and I have a job, we can pay our bills, we have a roof over our heads, cars to drive, and food on our table.  I am loved by my friends and family more than I can even imagine.  I AM BLESSED!  I promise to start focusing on praising God – and I am trusting that will take up my time focused on my selfishness right now.  

Sea of life

First day of June.  Thank God – May was HELL.  Here’s to a better June.   I guess from the beginning of the month I struggled with depression, questions, doubt, hate, frustration.  I was over it all – done with trying done with hoping done with caring. I had great moments with amazing family and friends, but internally – I was dead.  Still kinda feel that way.  However, last night, we went out with Heidi and her dad to the Gulf to attempt snapper fishing.  While we were in the thick of the rolling waves God spoke with me and told me “Ride the waves with Me.  Just let go, and ride.”  That is much easier said than done, but I’m going to try.  To let go… not have to be in control… just ride.  It was a hard, choppy ride out to the gulf.  I realized though, on the way back, it was “smooth sailing”  though you could still see the rolling high waves … it was just small, smooth bumps.  And He showed me… See how much easier it is when you are not fighting the waves?  When you are in control or trying to be – you are fighting the waves, which creates and extremely rough ride, harsh ups and downs.  If you let go and go with the current, the current I created, I control, I formed, you may still have ups and downs, but it is a LOT smoother.  You still look out and see the turning the choppy high overpowering waves, but you can cruising along quite smoothly.   Thank you God.

Out with the old... In with the new!

Happy New Year!!! 

I have had many ups and downs in 2013.  My life has felt like a roller-coaster for sure.  Unfortunately, a lot of that was due to emotions and letting depression get the better of me, not because of some life changing event.  But this year... I’m going to try my hardest to “pray it through”  - that is my motto for 2014... PRAY IT THROUGH. 

Some joyous times that 2013 has brought me...

Getting together with the Johnson (my side) family.  And having an old time guitar playin’ and singing!!  

 Oh I LOVED hearing Uncle Clifton play again!

Our motorcycle trip to Thunder Beach in PCB.  I was able to get closer to some awesome men and women of God!  And boy did me, Ken, Josh, and Jamie have a blast!

We got to go camping one weekend toward the end of May.  I have missed camping.  Haha, unfortunately, Ken did not share that sentiment!

I finished school to become a Medical Assistant... and passed my National Certification!  School was a great journey and I was able to meet some awesome people along the way.

I successfully turned 30!  :)  Before my gastric bypass, that is one of the statements the Dr. said that stuck with me... “without this... you will not make it to 30”.   I’m HERE!!!

Dates with the love of my life!  I love going places with him and spending time with him! 

Celebrating with my best friend, Somer, when she found out that she was pregnant again!!!  And praying hard, sometimes through the night when things were not going so great for them...  However, little Silas is here now and healthy as ever!!  Born 12/26/13! 

Getting hired on at SRMG.  I was very apprehensive about working at Woodbine, because everyone seemed so close knit I would never fit in.  And now, I am blessed with amazing co-workers and new friends!!!

Christmas is the best time of the year for me... so many opportunities for amazing memories.  Though I struggled more during this season than most with my infertility, I had great moments with my friends and family that was probably the only thing that pulled me through on occasions.

Christmas parade!  Heidi & her family joined me, Ken, and Savannah

Savannah went with us to cut down our Christmas tree.  It was a time keeping her focused and not running off – but I wouldn’t trade it or her for the world.  Thank you Amanda and Ben for sharing her with us  :)

Bellingrath with the family! 

Being with Grandpa and Dad.  Watching Grandpa and Aunt Betty dance.  And knowing that Grandma was smiling down on us the whole time.  It has always been a tradition to turn out all the lights, except for the Christmas tree and sing to Gene Autry’s Christmas Album and end the night with Happy Birthday to Jesus.  Last year, Grandma’s death was still too close and we just couldn’t make it through – but this year we did and I KNOW that made her smile!

FAMILY time!!  I love my family!  I am so blessed beyond measure to be so close to my family and Ken’s family.  Not all families are that way – but I couldn’t imagine it any other way!

And 2014 will hopefully have many more great memories to make.  My goals for 2014 are:

* Lose 1 lb per week by eating healthy and working out

* Working out at least twice a week

*  Stop eating out as much – better yet – just STOP!

*  Live life to the fullest – stop living in the “what ifs” and “if just...” moments that may never be

*  Learn to trust in God.  He knows.  I don’t.  PERIOD.

Here is wishing you a VERY HAPPY and BLESSED NEW YEAR!!