The desires of your heart

I hear this a lot “Don’t worry, He will give you the desires of your heart.”  And I have stood on that and brought it to remembrance a lot.  It has also been the “justification” if you will, of my anger toward God when in my mind He hasn’t followed through with that.

But – as I was riding along with my daddy on the back of his motorcycle yesterday I had a lot of prayer and reflection time and God urged me to look at the whole of that verse. 

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

DELIGHT – what does “to delight” mean? 

de·light (noun)

a strong feeling of happiness : great pleasure or satisfaction

delight (verb)

to make (someone) very happy : to give (someone) great pleasure or satisfaction

So it seems that delight is similar to praise – Give great pleasure (delight) to the Lord and I believe he will return that by giving you a strong feeling of happiness.

Now – back to me.  I have NOT been pulling through on my part of that verse.  I have been expecting God to give me the desires of my heart without focusing on delighting myself in Him!  That must change!!

Let’s go one step further though – What is this verse in context?  Lets look at the surrounding verses. 

Psalm37:3-5 says:

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe patsures.  Take delight in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this.

There is a lot more to this than we want to actually do before “demanding” of God the desires of my heart (which unfortunately is what I feel like I have been doing lately).  He has spoken quietly into my heart like a good father does and said – “Tosha – TRUST me.  Do what I have asked of you (do good).  ENJOY what I have given you already.  Take great pleasure in me – I will come through.  Commit yourself to me – my timing is perfect timing.  It is okay to not be in control.”

And as I take a deep sigh – I let this sink into my heart of hearts.  He will come through – I do not have to be in control. 

Even if the healing doesn't come

I have had a song running through my head that has really made me think this afternoon – actually it has been on and off for a couple of days – but the lyrics say “Even if the healing doesn’t come; And life falls apart; And dreams are still undone; You are God, You are good; Forever faithful One; Even if the healing doesn’t come.”  I had to think – do I really feel that way?  Even if I never get pregnant?  Or if I don’t get pregnant this month.  Can I still say He is good?  I don’t always feel like the answer to that question is yes.  Shocking = I know.  But I don’t.  I get angry and demanding and upset – I’m human.  But the reality of the matter is – YES – Even if I NEVER conceive – Even if I NEVER hold my baby in my arms – He is GOOD and FAITHFUL in all that He does. 

The rest of the song goes on to say “You’re still the great and mighty one; We trust You always; You’re working all things for our good; We’ll sing Your praise”    -- to me this means that even if I don’t understand He is working all things for my good – as a child of God He is fighting tooth and nail to help me overcome myself and the sin in the world to give me what I desire – BUT – He sees the whole picture I only wish I could see.

And the song ends with “You are God and we will bless you; As the good and faithful One; You are God and we will bless you; Even if the healing doesn’t come.”  I have to start looking at my blessings more than my “holes”.  I am not sick – my family is not sick – Both my husband and I have a job, we can pay our bills, we have a roof over our heads, cars to drive, and food on our table.  I am loved by my friends and family more than I can even imagine.  I AM BLESSED!  I promise to start focusing on praising God – and I am trusting that will take up my time focused on my selfishness right now.  

Sea of life

First day of June.  Thank God – May was HELL.  Here’s to a better June.   I guess from the beginning of the month I struggled with depression, questions, doubt, hate, frustration.  I was over it all – done with trying done with hoping done with caring. I had great moments with amazing family and friends, but internally – I was dead.  Still kinda feel that way.  However, last night, we went out with Heidi and her dad to the Gulf to attempt snapper fishing.  While we were in the thick of the rolling waves God spoke with me and told me “Ride the waves with Me.  Just let go, and ride.”  That is much easier said than done, but I’m going to try.  To let go… not have to be in control… just ride.  It was a hard, choppy ride out to the gulf.  I realized though, on the way back, it was “smooth sailing”  though you could still see the rolling high waves … it was just small, smooth bumps.  And He showed me… See how much easier it is when you are not fighting the waves?  When you are in control or trying to be – you are fighting the waves, which creates and extremely rough ride, harsh ups and downs.  If you let go and go with the current, the current I created, I control, I formed, you may still have ups and downs, but it is a LOT smoother.  You still look out and see the turning the choppy high overpowering waves, but you can cruising along quite smoothly.   Thank you God.

Out with the old... In with the new!

Happy New Year!!! 

I have had many ups and downs in 2013.  My life has felt like a roller-coaster for sure.  Unfortunately, a lot of that was due to emotions and letting depression get the better of me, not because of some life changing event.  But this year... I’m going to try my hardest to “pray it through”  - that is my motto for 2014... PRAY IT THROUGH. 

Some joyous times that 2013 has brought me...

Getting together with the Johnson (my side) family.  And having an old time guitar playin’ and singing!!  

 Oh I LOVED hearing Uncle Clifton play again!

Our motorcycle trip to Thunder Beach in PCB.  I was able to get closer to some awesome men and women of God!  And boy did me, Ken, Josh, and Jamie have a blast!

We got to go camping one weekend toward the end of May.  I have missed camping.  Haha, unfortunately, Ken did not share that sentiment!

I finished school to become a Medical Assistant... and passed my National Certification!  School was a great journey and I was able to meet some awesome people along the way.

I successfully turned 30!  :)  Before my gastric bypass, that is one of the statements the Dr. said that stuck with me... “without this... you will not make it to 30”.   I’m HERE!!!

Dates with the love of my life!  I love going places with him and spending time with him! 

Celebrating with my best friend, Somer, when she found out that she was pregnant again!!!  And praying hard, sometimes through the night when things were not going so great for them...  However, little Silas is here now and healthy as ever!!  Born 12/26/13! 

Getting hired on at SRMG.  I was very apprehensive about working at Woodbine, because everyone seemed so close knit I would never fit in.  And now, I am blessed with amazing co-workers and new friends!!!

Christmas is the best time of the year for me... so many opportunities for amazing memories.  Though I struggled more during this season than most with my infertility, I had great moments with my friends and family that was probably the only thing that pulled me through on occasions.

Christmas parade!  Heidi & her family joined me, Ken, and Savannah

Savannah went with us to cut down our Christmas tree.  It was a time keeping her focused and not running off – but I wouldn’t trade it or her for the world.  Thank you Amanda and Ben for sharing her with us  :)

Bellingrath with the family! 

Being with Grandpa and Dad.  Watching Grandpa and Aunt Betty dance.  And knowing that Grandma was smiling down on us the whole time.  It has always been a tradition to turn out all the lights, except for the Christmas tree and sing to Gene Autry’s Christmas Album and end the night with Happy Birthday to Jesus.  Last year, Grandma’s death was still too close and we just couldn’t make it through – but this year we did and I KNOW that made her smile!

FAMILY time!!  I love my family!  I am so blessed beyond measure to be so close to my family and Ken’s family.  Not all families are that way – but I couldn’t imagine it any other way!

And 2014 will hopefully have many more great memories to make.  My goals for 2014 are:

* Lose 1 lb per week by eating healthy and working out

* Working out at least twice a week

*  Stop eating out as much – better yet – just STOP!

*  Live life to the fullest – stop living in the “what ifs” and “if just...” moments that may never be

*  Learn to trust in God.  He knows.  I don’t.  PERIOD.

Here is wishing you a VERY HAPPY and BLESSED NEW YEAR!! 

The big 3-0

30. A “landmark” birthday.  Some see it as a good thing, some as a bad thing.  I guess in a way, I see it both ways.

Looking back, 7-ish years ago, I was told I wouldn’t make it to this birthday.  The doctor said I would be dead before I turned 30 unless I did something drastic to change my lifestyle (severely overeating and morbidly obese).  So – after gastric by-pass surgery (about as drastic as you can get) – here I am, looking 30 in the eye.  It’s a miracle really. 

I’ve had trials (my exhusband for one haha), hardship (being laid off, stretching our monies, etc), and heartache (boys, friends, miscarriage, infertility, etc) , but looking back... I wouldn’t trade any of it.  These “bad” things in my life have shaped me into the person I am today.  God has used these things (He didn’t cause them, but USED THEM) to help make me more patient (still workin’ on that one!), compassionate, and understanding.

Oh but the BLESSINGS!! I have had a BLESSED 30 years!  I was a VERY loved child – maybe too much if there is such a thing, I was well taken care of and always knew it!  My momma is my best friend (never seen that coming when I was a teenager).  I have a wonderful man I call my Daddy - who was there and treated me as his very own - and didn't have to!  I have been lucky enough to get to know my Dad better recently.  My grandparents who helped raise me when my parents were working - Nanny & Poppy who loved me like their child at all times.  Amazing family! I have a very close knit family – even extended family.  It is such an awesome feeling to know that you are loved all of the time. 

I have been blessed with great friends though the years, and to still know and be close to the majority of them, Nikki Crane, Brooke Lockhart, LiAnne (LemonAnne) Savage, Vickiy Stanfield, GG Ragsdale (my soul sister), Nina & Ernie Shurden, Somer Southern (my lifelonger best friend), and Jaime LeBlanc.  Many good friends through the years that have laughed with me (maybe even at me haha), cried with me, and held me through hard times in my life. 

My church family has been like another family to me too.  I am blessed to have had the same pastor through my entire life.  He teaches me to love like Jesus – through his actions in the community. 

My husband, words cannot express the love and respect I have for my husband.  I love him like no other.  And he tells me and shows me on a daily basis how much he loves me.  He sat by my side in church, even before he was saved and working in the church.  My love for him continues to grow every day – I love the fact that he is the spiritual leader in our household.  He has held me through rough times (which we have had a lot), he has put up with my over obsessive worrying and wanting and anxiety.  He writes me love notes – I love finding those around the house.  God truly blessed me behind all of my imagination with my husband.  We have made it through a LOT together that a lot of couples may not have survived through.  He is my bestest of friends, my confidant, my love. 

Along with my husband came his family – which I am proud to call my family.  I am blessed to have another Mama & Pops, and a sister and brother (that’s right, I’ll claim him even if no one else does haha) and 2 more nieces and a nephew that I am so glad to be called their aunt and that I get to watch grow up. 

Looking back, God knew what He was doing and where He would lead me with the choices I made in my life, even if they were not all good choices.  I am grateful that He was ALWAYS there, even when I walked away from Him.  And He accepted me back with open arms when I came home.

I pray I have many more memories to make in the years to come.  I anticipate many more birthdays to “dread” to spend with my friends and loved ones.  

Some things I look forward to and plan to do in my coming years (because 30 is just the beginning) is:

·       Finishing school and getting a career in a field I never realized I LOVED (yes I know you told me so Mom).

·       Continue to watch my nieces & nephews grow and play

·       Many more family cookouts, get togethers, and just plain fun!

·       Being the best wife I can be for my husband.  To be more attentive and be more loving.

·       TRAVEL

·       Get pregnant, have and raise a child for the glory of God – to love Him, to worship Him, and to be a blessing – because HE promised me it would happen.  I won’t give up.

·       Go para-sailing

·       Go on a mission trip with my husband (I hope we slow down enough to do this one day)

·       Go on a cruise

·       Go to Disney (I know – I’m just a big kid) and take all of our nieces and nephews – okay, okay – looks like as fast as our family is growing that will have to be a family vacation!

And I’m sure there are many more things on my list... but it could go on and on! 

I’m excited about what God has in store for me the rest of my life – and grateful for what He has taught me and brought me through already.  I will ALWAYS rely on Him. 

“’For I know the plans I have for you’, says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.’” Jeremiah 29:11

New journey, new blog

I have to keep reminding myself where I have come from in my weight loss journey, because it gets so sad and depressing that I never seen one-derland after my gastric bypass surgery.

A lot of people ask me if I think the gastric bypass was a good decision.  Aside from the complications I had, my over all resounding answer to that question is YES, YES, and one more YES! I mean, I lost 120lbs from July 2007 to November 2007.  However, my one regret is that I was not fully committed.  Whether it was my age, maturity level, or pure out laziness, I’m not 100% sure. But I wish that I had not pushed my limits... which in turn, stretched my stomach back out.  I maintained my weight loss of 120 lbs (bouncing between 220-225) for a couple of years, and then started gaining in 2008.  By 2009 (my wedding) I was up to 260! I was so disappointed in myself, but I somehow got the gumption (If you know me you know it takes a LOT to motivate me, especially if I feel hopeless) and lost all of the extra weight and even a few extra pounds! In 2010-11 I lost and maintained at around 215-220. 

However, the past year (12months) I have been struggling with a lot of mental challenges, 4 years of infertility had finally taken its toll.  I have been down and depressed, frustrated, angry, and rebellious at times, and in my would that translates into... you guessed it, FOOD.   I have gained back up to 245 and I am miserable.  I have gained more confidence and strength in exercising, though I am not consistent.  I have to do something.

So, a couple weeks ago, after talking to a girl I know, I decided to try the HCG diet, after some research I learned that most of the stuff sold in the stores does not even contain the HCG hormone, so I forked out the extra money and ordered it online.  I have a separate blog set up for this diet specifically, that will get pretty boring I suppose, as I am planning on blogging as consistently as my life will allow me small details like what I ate that day, how many calories I intake, what my weight and measurements are, and probably even photos . . . ehh... may keep the photos for my personal use, don’t want to scare anyone (it is purty skerry).  You can keep up with this journey (Round 1 will be approximately 6 weeks) by visiting: http://toshanahcgdiet.blogspot.com/

Wish me luck! 

Promises

I know that God has promised.  I know that He has spoken to me very intimately regarding our situation. I know that I should be okay because He promised, therefore it will happen. But, let's be honest...

I'm not. 

And though there are not a lot of people that know our situation intimately inside and out.  It is very frustrating to feel the pain, the gut-wrenching fear, and to try to ease out of uneasy situations and be told I should be fine "because God promised".  I'm not fine.  It hurts, promises or not. 

I'm sure this isn't a very spiritual blog post, and I probably don't sound very faithful or trusting.  I am, I assure you, I have been very faithful and I love God with all of my heart.  But I am human, I hurt, I doubt, I am scared.  

But even through all my doubts and fears, I come across scriptures in the oddest of places... this one, in Joshua 21:45  

"Not a single one of all the good promises the Lord had given to the family of Israel was left unfulfilled; everything He had spoken came true."