Death and Fear

I don't even think I know where to start. I guess to start with what brought this post on.  I'm sure you have seen my previous posts about my fears, and one of which is death.  And God and I are working on this real hard to overcome it. But I found out tonight that one of my second cousins, Cathy Ann, was killed in a car accident last night.  It almost seems unreal, as we were with her last weekend at our family reunion. It made me think how much we don't know how long we have.

I KNOW that Jesus died for me and I KNOW He said "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die..." in John 11:25.  And I absolutely BELIEVE this.  But it is the dying part that scares me, not what happens afterwards! 

There is just that realm of the unknown that dangles there. I don't know why it captivates me (and not in a good way). I know that heaven, and being with God is the ultimate of the ultimate.  Better than we can EVER imagine.  Though sometimes I feel like there is so much I need to do here.  There are people I need to see come to God.  There are people I need to love on (KEN/my nieces and nephews/mom and dad/other family), things I want to do (have and raise a baby), and things I want to see (the awesome things God has in store for my family and friends, and the great miracles He is going to work).  and I know that God may not have all that in His plan for me, and for some reason that scares me.  Maybe because I'm no longer in control.  I've never seen myself as a control freak, or needing control, but maybe that is what it is.  I know I wasn't alone in my struggle, Phillipians 1:22-23 "But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me".   Though my struggle seems a lot more selfish when I compare it.

Just hearing this horrible, sad news about my cousin who had to leave behind her children and family.  I am having to pray off a panic attack over this mess.  But God did NOT give me a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, and a SOUND MIND!!!!  (2 Timothy 1:7)  Satan will NOT win this battle.  God is with me and will continue to be with me.

I need prayers, from anyone who is willing to remember me in prayer as much as possible.  Prayer that God would deliever me from this fear, that He will comfort me and give me peace, that He will control my panic attacks, that He will bring me closer and closer to Him, and build my relationship with Him.

Ever feel disconnected?

I hate the feeling of being alone.  But even worse than that is feeling like you just can't connect with anyone, not even God.  I find myself wondering if I could do something different for someone to like me, when most of the time they like me just fine to begin with. 

Lately, I've been feeling like I am not connecting with God.  I know that my Jesus saved me, I know that He is my Healer, my Provider, the One who always works wonders in my life.  The One who CONSTANTLY delivers me from fear.  But... why can't I get EXCITED about it?  Why do I just feel like it's normal... hum drum... every day happenings.  I feel like there is something wrong with me. I read my bible every day.  I pray daily.  The only complaint I have about my prayer life is I don't get the "down and dirty" praying going on.  I pray throughout my day, going to work, at work, at lunch, going home, all the time while I'm at home.  Whatever comes to my mind the first person I talk to about it is God.  I know He convicts me, because He is teaching me to be loving and less critical, I feel a heart prick (for lack of a better word) when I know I did something wrong or not to the best of my loving ability and have to ask forgiveness for it. I know that He loves me and that He does a LOT for me.  I just don't feel connected.  Has anyone ever felt this way?  Is it normal?  Am I doing something wrong?  I know Satan is behind the little voice that says "well, maybe you aren't doing right, maybe if you do die you won't go to heaven...".  I have to rebuke that thought a lot.  I just want that connection I used to have with God when I was younger... I want my heart to break for what breaks His.  If you have been through this... what has pulled you through?  Have you pulled through?

New Weight Loss Goal

So, maybe I haven't even made it to my FIRST goal yet... ugh that is depressing to think about.  But here are my goals for my weight:

1st goal - 220lbs
2nd goal - 199lbs (one derland) by January first
newest goal - My 10 year HS reunion is next year (2011) and I would like to be 175 lbs.  That would be 5 lbs a month (if we have it in may) and I think that is a reasonable goal.

BUT for every goal you have to have a game plan... THAT is what is hard to stick to, but here is my game plan:

*Keep cooking, keep the food similar to now, more strict on cooking at home.  No breads, pastas, rice, etc (or very little, no more than 1 serving a day) chicken and fish as much as possible and when not lean beef, lots of veggies
*WORK OUT!!  Okay this I've been slacking on... a LOT.  I blame it on being busy, but if I want to see a steady drop each month, I'm going to have to just plan better aren't I?  I really really want to start the C25K program, I think I will do that after the fair, new month, new start.  Also, I need to start my 30DS back.  I can do this.  I want to do this for me... Looking absolutely, fantastically awesome at my 10 year reunion is just a bonus!

Weigh-in Week 3... I think

Haha so I haven't been as diligent in posting as I originally intended.  We had another "bad" weekend with a lot of eating out, Big T, Fournais Brothers, etc. I haven't cooked all weekend if that tells you what is going on.  And we are going to be SO-oo busy this week, there won't be any cooking going on, looks like subway all week for me. ARGH!!!! It's sabotage I tell you... sabotage!  Only by ourselves... we plan our lives... we make our own decisions... yes, I'm busy, but I created my schedule!!! I really wanted to be at my goal weight by my anniversary (220 by 10/24) but with this weekend (at 223) and the upcoming week... I will have to work REALLY HARD. 

The plus side is Ken is finally out of the 260s!! He is at 258! and I am at 223!  I'm at a "high weight" (bloated, water weight, etc) and it is STILL BELOW 225!! Oh and I tried on and comfortably fit into my first pair of 14s... probably since I was in middle school!!!

Good Week

I have done really good diet wise this week.  Just one day off, and BOY was it a day off, 2 cupcakes, fried gizzards and potato logs.  However, I was good about not eating a LOT of it. Which is a plus.  I have held on to the 222 all week, no fluctuation so that must be a solid number.  I think I'm going to start blogging every day about how I ate, that will help me be accountable and stay away from the bad foods.

Todays food consisted of:
Breakfast - 2 slices of sugar free 100% whole wheat bread, 3 tbsp of peanut butter
Lunch - Rosemary Salmon, California Mix, Salad with 2 tbsp of ranch
Supper - Apple Smoked Turkey tenderloin with zucchini, onions and walnuts

"Do you believe in your ability to control your life/weight/troubles/etc?"

Biggest Loser

This show is so emotional for me.  Weight loss is very emotional in general.  I always feel great, sad, frustrated, etc along with the contestants.  But at the end of every show, I find myself saying... why can't I lose like that?  So.... Here is what I've done in the past 5 years....

2005 (340lbs)

3/2010  (~260 lbs)

9/2010  (~230 lbs)

I should totally know better

So today was the last day of our play, which means... CAST PARTY! 

Unfortunately, I thought I would "celebrate".  And of course, in today's warped society celebration = food.  And not typically of the healthy variety.  I started the day off poorly with a biscuit and gravy.  Then lunch/snack was poor again with some beef jerky and bugels.  Snacked on some vanilla wafers at the "reunion".  Then at the cast party had sandwiches, chips, fudge, sandwiches, candy pecans.  Though it wasn't in large quantites it did its work on my sugar apparently did it's work on my system.  Because for the first time in a long time, my sugar dropped this evening... I HATE when that happens. Back on the diet tomorrow!

Moonshine Creek "Folk Play"

Tonight was opening night in the play that we have been rehearsing for.  Back in late spring/early summer of this year Ken wrote a story about one of his ancestors William Johnson who was a founder of Milton.  His story was chosen to be a part of this play and he got to play the part of him as the story-teller!!! I was dragged into this as an extra, and have actually enjoyed it the past couple nights.  I am very proud of my wonderful husband, he is so awesomely talented in everything he does. He is the best.

It was awesome having our family there to support us, as always.  We have the bestest family ever.

Tomorrow is the last production of this play (thank goodness)  If you would like to come, it is at Milton High School at 2pm tomorrow, the cost is $10 for adults and $5 for students.