So, where to begin. Not sure if I've been here on this blog or not, but I'm going to be an AUNTIE T again :) Amanda goes tomorrow for her first appointment, I am very excited for her. Praying that the baby will be strong and healthy and know how much he/she is loved before they even arrive!
My oldest nephew turns 4 on the 10th of September. Seems like yesterday we were in the hospital waiting on him.
My baby would have been 5 on the 2nd (if it had come on schedule)... scary, sad, etc. Not dwelling, just a fact.
God has been working on me on a couple different things lately. First off, in repenting of sins when they happen, and refrain from continuing to do it. One thing that has really hit me this week is... "If you have to ask yourself if what you are fixing to say is gossip... IT IS!" I have a bad habit of discussing other people (it is usually good so don't get offensive!) to other people (not the same people). A lot to do with my totally boring life and everyone else has great things going on! Or telling a close friend a story about someone just to end up with "so we should pray for him/her". God is working on my heart that this is not acceptable and I shouldn't be doing it. If someone needs prayer, and I think I need help with that prayer, the other person doesn't need the background story. *Please note: This is still a work in progress, but He has been good about stopping me, mid sentence sometimes, and convicting my heart. Please don't stop God!!
Secondly, the whole baby thing, yes I know everyone is probably tired of hearing it, I'm tired of thinking about it. But I have made a vow to God (and will have to follow through with that as soon as I finish typing this) that I will give the pain, frustration, depression, questions, and thoughts to Him whenever it comes into my mind. I don't need to fret over it, it cannot help any anyways.
I hope everyone has a great rest of your week and remember, you don't have to be perfect if you are forgiven!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
August 21 2010
Life is so precious. No matter how long you've lived it, does it ever feel like it is long enough. Many people may not know this about me, but I am scared of death. I'm not sure how long it has been hanging back there, or why it surfaced recently. It is the weirdest thing. I get paranoid over little things, what to do if a fire breaks out at the house, what if someone crosses that yellow line? What if someone pulls out in front of me? (and now you know why I drive like an old granny) What if I have a heart attack? Stroke? Brain anuerism (sp?)? Then I wonder what happens when I die? (Ken and I talked about this last night) Do I immediately go to heaven? Or do I just kinda lay around (for lack of a better thought) until Jesus comes back? Maybe I am overlooking something, but it doesn't seem to be very clear. And my thought is, if we immediately go to heaven and be with God, then what is the purpose in the saints rising from their graves?
Just the crazy thoughts going through my head lately. There has been a lot of deaths, and people dying around me that are close to me or just that I have heard of. Sweet sweet people who I wonder for them as much as my paranora for myself. Still workin' on that... My fear of the unknown.
Just the crazy thoughts going through my head lately. There has been a lot of deaths, and people dying around me that are close to me or just that I have heard of. Sweet sweet people who I wonder for them as much as my paranora for myself. Still workin' on that... My fear of the unknown.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Interesting Day
Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius. -Comte de Buffon
So we are on our way to church this morning and there is a preacher on the radio station Ken listens to (some AM station) and typically he turns it, but for whatever reason (God) he doesn't this morning, and we're listening to the preacher talk about Job. Now not in a million years would I have associated Job to being a book of the bible that would help me with what I'm going through. But the preacher was talking about how even though Job never CALLED God unjust, he felt that He was not just to him. He just didn't understand why.
I have been beating myself up for feeling like God has abandoned me in my wants/desires. But even Job felt that way, a great man of God. Now granted he went through a LOT worse than I am, but just the same, each persons pain is their pain and it is a lot to them. But even Job wondered what he had done to cause God to be unjust.
THEN, we are in church, singing in worship (great service) and Pastor John says that even though Job had to go through a lot, and lose everything, in the end he got it all back and then some. WOW. Now that just did me in... It was like God tapped me on my shoulder and whispered in my ear, "all back and THEN SOME."
I of course couldn't hold the tears back and to the alter I go. God please open my womb, please help me, I'm tired of feeling this pain in my heart, it's getting old month after month, year after year. And my wonderful husband, my momma and Mrs. Tiawana was praying for me. Later Tiawana said that all week I've been coming to her mind, and the passage that came to hear was in the old testament, when the woman came crying to the alter, and they thought she was drunk she was crying so much,she wanted God to open her womb. Tiawana was just amazed when she opened her eyes that I was at the alter crying to God.
So a lot has happened today. My eyes have been opened that it is okay to feel that it's not fair, as long as I don't give up faith that one day... one sweet day, God will open my womb and I will be able to praise Him for the child He has given us.
So we are on our way to church this morning and there is a preacher on the radio station Ken listens to (some AM station) and typically he turns it, but for whatever reason (God) he doesn't this morning, and we're listening to the preacher talk about Job. Now not in a million years would I have associated Job to being a book of the bible that would help me with what I'm going through. But the preacher was talking about how even though Job never CALLED God unjust, he felt that He was not just to him. He just didn't understand why.
I have been beating myself up for feeling like God has abandoned me in my wants/desires. But even Job felt that way, a great man of God. Now granted he went through a LOT worse than I am, but just the same, each persons pain is their pain and it is a lot to them. But even Job wondered what he had done to cause God to be unjust.
THEN, we are in church, singing in worship (great service) and Pastor John says that even though Job had to go through a lot, and lose everything, in the end he got it all back and then some. WOW. Now that just did me in... It was like God tapped me on my shoulder and whispered in my ear, "all back and THEN SOME."
I of course couldn't hold the tears back and to the alter I go. God please open my womb, please help me, I'm tired of feeling this pain in my heart, it's getting old month after month, year after year. And my wonderful husband, my momma and Mrs. Tiawana was praying for me. Later Tiawana said that all week I've been coming to her mind, and the passage that came to hear was in the old testament, when the woman came crying to the alter, and they thought she was drunk she was crying so much,she wanted God to open her womb. Tiawana was just amazed when she opened her eyes that I was at the alter crying to God.
So a lot has happened today. My eyes have been opened that it is okay to feel that it's not fair, as long as I don't give up faith that one day... one sweet day, God will open my womb and I will be able to praise Him for the child He has given us.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
and life goes on...
I'm going to be an aunt again!! The news is simply bittersweet. By this stage it is definitely more sweet than bitter. My sister in law, Amanda, after over a year of struggling with the normal emotions of wanting something so badly and not being able to have it, struggling with physical problems that had to be fixed, and struggling with herself found out on Monday (August 2nd), after 5 tests hehe, that she is pregnant!!
I cannot lie, once it sunk in I had a hard time... I think in the past almost year that I have been (like my sister in law) desiring after children, EVERYONE I know has had a baby, or become pregnant. I know that God promises to give us the desires of our hearts when we love and trust in Him. I have the knowledge of what is right, and true, that God's promises are true... But I can't help but question, does He know something I don't? Have I done something wrong in His eyes and I don't deserve a child? You know... that is the one that hits me the hardest, that God thinks I don't deserve a baby, that I won't do it justice.
ECK, this is a HAPPY POST.... I am ecstatic for Amanda and Ben, they are very blessed and will do a wonderful job of raising their child to be a great little one. *hehe* IF she can get past the spittin' up and pooin'. It is going to be an awesome 8 more months :)
Seen my nephews today. Met them in TJ Maxx (Jenn was shopping for something) and walked around with her their then we went to Chickfila so we could eat lunch and they could play in the inside play thing. Those boys are getting so big. Keaton will be 4 next month, and I can remember going to the hospital to see him born. It was a great day :)
I cannot lie, once it sunk in I had a hard time... I think in the past almost year that I have been (like my sister in law) desiring after children, EVERYONE I know has had a baby, or become pregnant. I know that God promises to give us the desires of our hearts when we love and trust in Him. I have the knowledge of what is right, and true, that God's promises are true... But I can't help but question, does He know something I don't? Have I done something wrong in His eyes and I don't deserve a child? You know... that is the one that hits me the hardest, that God thinks I don't deserve a baby, that I won't do it justice.
ECK, this is a HAPPY POST.... I am ecstatic for Amanda and Ben, they are very blessed and will do a wonderful job of raising their child to be a great little one. *hehe* IF she can get past the spittin' up and pooin'. It is going to be an awesome 8 more months :)
Seen my nephews today. Met them in TJ Maxx (Jenn was shopping for something) and walked around with her their then we went to Chickfila so we could eat lunch and they could play in the inside play thing. Those boys are getting so big. Keaton will be 4 next month, and I can remember going to the hospital to see him born. It was a great day :)
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