The big 3-0

30. A “landmark” birthday.  Some see it as a good thing, some as a bad thing.  I guess in a way, I see it both ways.

Looking back, 7-ish years ago, I was told I wouldn’t make it to this birthday.  The doctor said I would be dead before I turned 30 unless I did something drastic to change my lifestyle (severely overeating and morbidly obese).  So – after gastric by-pass surgery (about as drastic as you can get) – here I am, looking 30 in the eye.  It’s a miracle really. 

I’ve had trials (my exhusband for one haha), hardship (being laid off, stretching our monies, etc), and heartache (boys, friends, miscarriage, infertility, etc) , but looking back... I wouldn’t trade any of it.  These “bad” things in my life have shaped me into the person I am today.  God has used these things (He didn’t cause them, but USED THEM) to help make me more patient (still workin’ on that one!), compassionate, and understanding.

Oh but the BLESSINGS!! I have had a BLESSED 30 years!  I was a VERY loved child – maybe too much if there is such a thing, I was well taken care of and always knew it!  My momma is my best friend (never seen that coming when I was a teenager).  I have a wonderful man I call my Daddy - who was there and treated me as his very own - and didn't have to!  I have been lucky enough to get to know my Dad better recently.  My grandparents who helped raise me when my parents were working - Nanny & Poppy who loved me like their child at all times.  Amazing family! I have a very close knit family – even extended family.  It is such an awesome feeling to know that you are loved all of the time. 

I have been blessed with great friends though the years, and to still know and be close to the majority of them, Nikki Crane, Brooke Lockhart, LiAnne (LemonAnne) Savage, Vickiy Stanfield, GG Ragsdale (my soul sister), Nina & Ernie Shurden, Somer Southern (my lifelonger best friend), and Jaime LeBlanc.  Many good friends through the years that have laughed with me (maybe even at me haha), cried with me, and held me through hard times in my life. 

My church family has been like another family to me too.  I am blessed to have had the same pastor through my entire life.  He teaches me to love like Jesus – through his actions in the community. 

My husband, words cannot express the love and respect I have for my husband.  I love him like no other.  And he tells me and shows me on a daily basis how much he loves me.  He sat by my side in church, even before he was saved and working in the church.  My love for him continues to grow every day – I love the fact that he is the spiritual leader in our household.  He has held me through rough times (which we have had a lot), he has put up with my over obsessive worrying and wanting and anxiety.  He writes me love notes – I love finding those around the house.  God truly blessed me behind all of my imagination with my husband.  We have made it through a LOT together that a lot of couples may not have survived through.  He is my bestest of friends, my confidant, my love. 

Along with my husband came his family – which I am proud to call my family.  I am blessed to have another Mama & Pops, and a sister and brother (that’s right, I’ll claim him even if no one else does haha) and 2 more nieces and a nephew that I am so glad to be called their aunt and that I get to watch grow up. 

Looking back, God knew what He was doing and where He would lead me with the choices I made in my life, even if they were not all good choices.  I am grateful that He was ALWAYS there, even when I walked away from Him.  And He accepted me back with open arms when I came home.

I pray I have many more memories to make in the years to come.  I anticipate many more birthdays to “dread” to spend with my friends and loved ones.  

Some things I look forward to and plan to do in my coming years (because 30 is just the beginning) is:

·       Finishing school and getting a career in a field I never realized I LOVED (yes I know you told me so Mom).

·       Continue to watch my nieces & nephews grow and play

·       Many more family cookouts, get togethers, and just plain fun!

·       Being the best wife I can be for my husband.  To be more attentive and be more loving.

·       TRAVEL

·       Get pregnant, have and raise a child for the glory of God – to love Him, to worship Him, and to be a blessing – because HE promised me it would happen.  I won’t give up.

·       Go para-sailing

·       Go on a mission trip with my husband (I hope we slow down enough to do this one day)

·       Go on a cruise

·       Go to Disney (I know – I’m just a big kid) and take all of our nieces and nephews – okay, okay – looks like as fast as our family is growing that will have to be a family vacation!

And I’m sure there are many more things on my list... but it could go on and on! 

I’m excited about what God has in store for me the rest of my life – and grateful for what He has taught me and brought me through already.  I will ALWAYS rely on Him. 

“’For I know the plans I have for you’, says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.’” Jeremiah 29:11

New journey, new blog

I have to keep reminding myself where I have come from in my weight loss journey, because it gets so sad and depressing that I never seen one-derland after my gastric bypass surgery.

A lot of people ask me if I think the gastric bypass was a good decision.  Aside from the complications I had, my over all resounding answer to that question is YES, YES, and one more YES! I mean, I lost 120lbs from July 2007 to November 2007.  However, my one regret is that I was not fully committed.  Whether it was my age, maturity level, or pure out laziness, I’m not 100% sure. But I wish that I had not pushed my limits... which in turn, stretched my stomach back out.  I maintained my weight loss of 120 lbs (bouncing between 220-225) for a couple of years, and then started gaining in 2008.  By 2009 (my wedding) I was up to 260! I was so disappointed in myself, but I somehow got the gumption (If you know me you know it takes a LOT to motivate me, especially if I feel hopeless) and lost all of the extra weight and even a few extra pounds! In 2010-11 I lost and maintained at around 215-220. 

However, the past year (12months) I have been struggling with a lot of mental challenges, 4 years of infertility had finally taken its toll.  I have been down and depressed, frustrated, angry, and rebellious at times, and in my would that translates into... you guessed it, FOOD.   I have gained back up to 245 and I am miserable.  I have gained more confidence and strength in exercising, though I am not consistent.  I have to do something.

So, a couple weeks ago, after talking to a girl I know, I decided to try the HCG diet, after some research I learned that most of the stuff sold in the stores does not even contain the HCG hormone, so I forked out the extra money and ordered it online.  I have a separate blog set up for this diet specifically, that will get pretty boring I suppose, as I am planning on blogging as consistently as my life will allow me small details like what I ate that day, how many calories I intake, what my weight and measurements are, and probably even photos . . . ehh... may keep the photos for my personal use, don’t want to scare anyone (it is purty skerry).  You can keep up with this journey (Round 1 will be approximately 6 weeks) by visiting: http://toshanahcgdiet.blogspot.com/

Wish me luck! 

Promises

I know that God has promised.  I know that He has spoken to me very intimately regarding our situation. I know that I should be okay because He promised, therefore it will happen. But, let's be honest...

I'm not. 

And though there are not a lot of people that know our situation intimately inside and out.  It is very frustrating to feel the pain, the gut-wrenching fear, and to try to ease out of uneasy situations and be told I should be fine "because God promised".  I'm not fine.  It hurts, promises or not. 

I'm sure this isn't a very spiritual blog post, and I probably don't sound very faithful or trusting.  I am, I assure you, I have been very faithful and I love God with all of my heart.  But I am human, I hurt, I doubt, I am scared.  

But even through all my doubts and fears, I come across scriptures in the oddest of places... this one, in Joshua 21:45  

"Not a single one of all the good promises the Lord had given to the family of Israel was left unfulfilled; everything He had spoken came true."