So I've had an emotional week. I'm sure I make things more emotional than they have to be. I struggle with the fact that we haven't gotten pregnant yet. It has not be forefront in my mind lately as there have been some other things we are going through that could affect that. But regardless, it is there. I have realized that I have let the frustration, hurt, and blame build up inside of me, at God. However, I let that go this morning. It didn't hit me that was what I was doing, I just felt like I was pulling further and further away from God. Not really wanting to go to church, not really praying like I should, etc. But God moved my heart and tore down some of the walls I had started to build. I couldn't understand why God would deny me the desires of my heart. His Word clearly says, "He will give you the desires of your heart". What did I do wrong? Am I paying for mistakes in my past? Am I now reaping what I have sown in the past? Which I know I have to do. But I couldn't figure out where to "place" the blame. Either God has thrown me out with the trash or I must have done something wrong. So I hit the alter hard today, after God smacked me in the head. He is so awesome, I boo-hoo'd like a baby. My momma prayed with me and afterward she was willing to share a conversation she had with God. She told me that she asked God why He wouldn't give her child a baby. (It's great to know you have a great momma that talks to God for you) And He answered her and said that He will, He's just enjoying me now.
So, with reassurance I say, "Enjoy me God. Let me be pleasing to You. For I know you will give me the desires of my heart. I KNOW it. No more doubts, no more fears. You love me, and will care for me and give me my desires" and until then I have lots of babies around me to play with! haha
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
30DS, arts festival, bible study and more!
30DS is short for Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. They say you can lose up to 20 lbs in 30 days. hmm. I'm sure there is small print on that somewhere that says something to the effect of "1 person out of 2,000,000,000,000 lost 20 pounds while using this video. So though it is VERY very very very unlikely, you just may do it. Never mind she was psycho and starving herself at the same time, oh and she died from malnutrition 20 days later." Anyways, I've attempted it a couple times before (the past week) and only made it about 8-10 minutes into it. Tonight though, I successfully made it through the whole 20 minutes!! Ohh FINE, back up, maybe it wasn't so successfully. There were a couple 20 second water breaks and O.M.Goodness moments when I thought I was gonna die that I took a few seconds to be able to breath again. I say it was successful because I lasted through the whole 20 minutes, not just 8. And I say there was minimal yelling and screaming at Jillian as I'm doing jumping jacks and the house is shaking asking her if she's going to pay for my new house as mine is fixing to tumble down around me. Ken however says I was spewing venom at her. Eh. To each their own. I will do this again tomorrow night. My goal is at least 5 days a week. so my 30 days will take 6 weeks, not 4.
The Santa Rosa Arts Festival is tomorrow and Sunday. I am excited about this one, they have 108 different booths celebrating both arts & culture. One of those will be ours, the Florida Tribe of Cherokee Indians, we will be selling handmade jewelry, handpainted gourd rattles, hand drawn/painted pictures, handmade corn husk dolls, etc. If you are in the area, come down to the riverwalk and visit with us, enjoy the crafts, and different culture booths out there!! It is supposed to be a beautiful weekend!
So there is this wonderful lady, Elisa, who has decided to start a "college age" bible study. I'm super excited to be around people my age to hang out, read, and be around. I'm glad she was led to do this because it is something I really need. I don't have many friends to begin with, but my friends who share my faith are REALLY lacking. I have plenty of aquaintences, but no one I can really pour my heart out too, other than my bestie. :) So yay for bible study.
I'm planning my cousins bridal and lingerie showers for next month, which is almost upon us. I am running behind on sending out the invitations. So I'm going to be busting my booty to get that all done by no later than Wednesday this week. The other planning is pretty well done, it's just getting the stuff and putting it together that day. I really enjoy planning showers, wedding, babies, etc.
The Santa Rosa Arts Festival is tomorrow and Sunday. I am excited about this one, they have 108 different booths celebrating both arts & culture. One of those will be ours, the Florida Tribe of Cherokee Indians, we will be selling handmade jewelry, handpainted gourd rattles, hand drawn/painted pictures, handmade corn husk dolls, etc. If you are in the area, come down to the riverwalk and visit with us, enjoy the crafts, and different culture booths out there!! It is supposed to be a beautiful weekend!
So there is this wonderful lady, Elisa, who has decided to start a "college age" bible study. I'm super excited to be around people my age to hang out, read, and be around. I'm glad she was led to do this because it is something I really need. I don't have many friends to begin with, but my friends who share my faith are REALLY lacking. I have plenty of aquaintences, but no one I can really pour my heart out too, other than my bestie. :) So yay for bible study.
I'm planning my cousins bridal and lingerie showers for next month, which is almost upon us. I am running behind on sending out the invitations. So I'm going to be busting my booty to get that all done by no later than Wednesday this week. The other planning is pretty well done, it's just getting the stuff and putting it together that day. I really enjoy planning showers, wedding, babies, etc.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Softball & Prayer
So I am steadily getting better at softball. I can run further and faster. I can catch better, and I can hit further and more solid. Like they say, with practice comes perfection. We had a game last night, and as you know I play catcher. Well I caught last night alright. A bat right to the bridge of my nose. Apparently everyone heard the crack. I hear a lot of commotion I remember telling someone "I just need to know what to do, what do I do" while the blood is pouring, everyone is saying "Put your head back!" "No, you need to put your head forward" back and forth, then in the background I hear my cousin James say, "She's out right? Slinging the bat is an out?" hahaha Way to keep his priorities straight! Not that it bothered me, it took everything I had not to crack up.
Ken insisted that I go to the hospital. So off we went to Sacred Heart (after I pitched a fit about having to leave the game). I've got an ice pack on my eyes and nose so I can't see anything (that is a crazy way to travel by the way). While I was on the way I prayed, for the people who had gotten hurt last night at the games (there was apparently a lot). Then I started thinking about what they may have to do if it was badly broken (which by the sound of the crack it was). You know, break it again, set it, etc. I started praying HARD. I was quick to thank God that it was not worse than what I know it could have been. But also quick to ask for His healing hand on my nose. I could tell a difference in the pain, or lack of pain. The doctor said that it was broken, but barely and it was a clean, straight break so there would be no crookedness. Today, there is still little pain, little bit of swollenness, a lot of stuffiness, and no black eyes. And though most people may say that I got lucky. I disagree. I PRAYED and HE ANSWERED!
Ken insisted that I go to the hospital. So off we went to Sacred Heart (after I pitched a fit about having to leave the game). I've got an ice pack on my eyes and nose so I can't see anything (that is a crazy way to travel by the way). While I was on the way I prayed, for the people who had gotten hurt last night at the games (there was apparently a lot). Then I started thinking about what they may have to do if it was badly broken (which by the sound of the crack it was). You know, break it again, set it, etc. I started praying HARD. I was quick to thank God that it was not worse than what I know it could have been. But also quick to ask for His healing hand on my nose. I could tell a difference in the pain, or lack of pain. The doctor said that it was broken, but barely and it was a clean, straight break so there would be no crookedness. Today, there is still little pain, little bit of swollenness, a lot of stuffiness, and no black eyes. And though most people may say that I got lucky. I disagree. I PRAYED and HE ANSWERED!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
God spoke... time to listen
The only problem is, I'm not 100% sure what I heard, and if it was supposed to be what stuck out.
First it started off when Mrs Debbie read a kids book by Karen Kingsbury about your children's lasts. Beautiful book, which that book doesn't bother me, but it was odd the way she started it, with a "disclaimer" so to speak that it was not meant to hurt those without, who can't, or who've lost.
Then Pastor preached a message titled, "Desiring to be a Mother". He focused on 2 scriptures.
Genesis 30:1 "When Rachel saw that she wasn’t having any children for Jacob, she became jealous of her sister. She pleaded with Jacob, “Give me children, or I’ll die!”" and
1 Samuel 1:10-11 "Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord, his hair will never be cut."
I have to be honest, if my brother and sisters and niece and nephews hadn't been there I was inches from walking out. My heart was already open and sore. I didn't want anymore. I know that feeling, the utter dispair, helplessness, that you will die. I have made vows to God, though I am very careful not to vow to something I cannot follow through on. I know how desperate these women are. Though obviously if you look at me I haven't been driven to the lack of eating :)
Pastor finished off with another verse (well to be honest, I think this all tied in spiritually somewhere but the spiritual part was not what I needed so I cannot remember exactly how that tied in.) and this is the verse I am claiming for me.
Genesis 30:22-23 "And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach."
So I am claiming that for myself. "God remember ME, Toshana, and open my womb."
It still ripped at my heart, made me ornery and not wanting to be around people. I did good, and LOVED being with my family today. I get home, and there is a beautiful blog by a beautiful woman who has struggled with infertility, or rather less fertility and she blessed me with her story and her kind words. And her ending scripture touched my heart.
1 Samuel 1:27 Rebekah's cry to God was heard... ""I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him." "
First it started off when Mrs Debbie read a kids book by Karen Kingsbury about your children's lasts. Beautiful book, which that book doesn't bother me, but it was odd the way she started it, with a "disclaimer" so to speak that it was not meant to hurt those without, who can't, or who've lost.
Then Pastor preached a message titled, "Desiring to be a Mother". He focused on 2 scriptures.
Genesis 30:1 "When Rachel saw that she wasn’t having any children for Jacob, she became jealous of her sister. She pleaded with Jacob, “Give me children, or I’ll die!”" and
1 Samuel 1:10-11 "Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord, his hair will never be cut."
I have to be honest, if my brother and sisters and niece and nephews hadn't been there I was inches from walking out. My heart was already open and sore. I didn't want anymore. I know that feeling, the utter dispair, helplessness, that you will die. I have made vows to God, though I am very careful not to vow to something I cannot follow through on. I know how desperate these women are. Though obviously if you look at me I haven't been driven to the lack of eating :)
Pastor finished off with another verse (well to be honest, I think this all tied in spiritually somewhere but the spiritual part was not what I needed so I cannot remember exactly how that tied in.) and this is the verse I am claiming for me.
Genesis 30:22-23 "And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach."
So I am claiming that for myself. "God remember ME, Toshana, and open my womb."
It still ripped at my heart, made me ornery and not wanting to be around people. I did good, and LOVED being with my family today. I get home, and there is a beautiful blog by a beautiful woman who has struggled with infertility, or rather less fertility and she blessed me with her story and her kind words. And her ending scripture touched my heart.
1 Samuel 1:27 Rebekah's cry to God was heard... ""I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him." "
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mommies and mommies to be out there.
For a couple reasons this holiday is bitter sweet to me. Oh course the sweet part is all the wonderful mom's out there that get recongnized (though they deserve 1 day a week, not just 1 a year). And I reflect on how wonderful my mom is, and how much I have been blessed to have her in my life.
However the bitter part is the short fleeting memory of the little life I once carried, though it was only for a short handful of weeks, and shouldn't matter that much it does. And then the thought/worry if I will ever feel that way again. We will wait and see.
For a couple reasons this holiday is bitter sweet to me. Oh course the sweet part is all the wonderful mom's out there that get recongnized (though they deserve 1 day a week, not just 1 a year). And I reflect on how wonderful my mom is, and how much I have been blessed to have her in my life.
However the bitter part is the short fleeting memory of the little life I once carried, though it was only for a short handful of weeks, and shouldn't matter that much it does. And then the thought/worry if I will ever feel that way again. We will wait and see.
Monday, May 3, 2010
an AH HA moment
This has been a rough month financially for us. Not hurting, but struggling. No extra money, only enough for the essentials, etc. Then we got word that Ken's financial aid didn't go through. He wasn't able to go on with his next class, because summer classes are considered "add-on's" and we would have to jump through hoops to get it approved for.
When Ken and I got married, I made a vow with God to pay our tithes. We have always done well, financially. We aren't rich or anything, but never struggled.
I was praying about everything this weekend, and realized, I haven't been paying our tithes!! Looking back at how blessed we were while I was it was and the stuggle we have been through this month, I am DEFINITELY back to paying my tithes this Sunday!!
When Ken and I got married, I made a vow with God to pay our tithes. We have always done well, financially. We aren't rich or anything, but never struggled.
I was praying about everything this weekend, and realized, I haven't been paying our tithes!! Looking back at how blessed we were while I was it was and the stuggle we have been through this month, I am DEFINITELY back to paying my tithes this Sunday!!
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