21 day fast

Pastor is calling for a 21 day fast, just for people to draw closer to God.  No particular fast, but they have really been asking we pray about what we are going to fast, not just say "Oh I'll fast xxxx-xxx" without talking to God about it.

So I prayed... and prayed.... and a few days later prayed again...   Oh don't get me wrong, God answered, the first time.  I just didn't want to listen.   Almost as soon as I prayed the Daniel Fast came into my mind.  Now the Daniel Fast is very strict, from what I find it is basically vegetables, fruit, beans, and water.  (hence why I kept praying, just in case)  I'm not perfect, and I don't know if I will be able to follow it perfectly, but there are some things I have been asking God for (begging/asking same difference) and I want to follow up the prayer with fasting, something I should have done long before now.  But if I fall, my plan is to get right back up and on the fast, no failure.

My expectations during this time of fasting is to reach a new level with God.  I cannot wait to see the changes in my life, even if He doesn't directly answer my prayers.  I want to be closer to Him!!

Merry Christmas

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas this year.  I hope you were blessed beyond belief with time with your family and friends.  I hope that you took the time to revel in said family and friends and not make too much hussle and bussle out of the holidays.

We had a wonderful Christmas "season".  Our Christmas celebrations/dinners start on the 23rd.  We attended the Ever's Christmas dinner.  It was a lot of good times, a lot of reminicing went on that night.  Memories are a wonderful thing, make lots of them.  Later that night we went to look at the lights at Sowell's, they were beautiful, I don't know why but Christmas lights are so amazing to me.  The 24th we had 2 dinners, and had to skip one.  We went to Grandma Macks for lunch, and had a great time with our family on that side.  Very busy and bustling with a lot of people!  Then we went home for just a little bit, long enough to cozy up to a nice nap.  We got up and went to Grandma Joy & Grandpa Tubby's for Christmas with that side of my family.  We spent the night talking about the past and present.  I don't get to see that side of my family hardly at all so I always enjoy my time with them.  We missed the Payne dinner because of time conflicts.  But luckily I get to see most of them at the Ever's dinner so I still saw them!  Then Christmas morning we slept in late, got up and got dressed, started making the beans for dinner, and then opened our presents. I so enjoy watching Ken's face when he is opening gifts.  I like knowing that I was able to pick out perfect gifts!  Then we went to Mom & Pops (ken's parents), We celebrated with them, Amanda, Ben, Dakota & Aiyana.  Then on to Mom & Dad's (my parents) where we celebrated with that side of our family.  We enjoyed watching ALL of our nieces and nephews open presents (and Amanda open Savannah's since she isn't here yet).  The pure joy in a child's eyes during Christmas is a wonderful thing. 

Most of all, I enjoyed thinking about how wonderful our Jesus is to us.  He came to this earth, birthed to a virgin to die for our sins.  I wonder how it felt to know the greatness He was going to do one day.  I struggle with the thought of death, so to me it is scary to think about dying.  Did He go through that to?  He would have KNOWN he was going to die, and to die a brutal death, was it scary to Him, like it is to me?  :::Sorry, I got side tracked::::   This time is to celebrate Jesus coming to earth to live like one of us, so He could die to save us.  Even if this isn't the time that he actually was born, that is okay.  It isn't about the Christmas trees, the lights, the ornaments, the presents, etc.  This time should be about Jesus, and reflecting on all He did for us.  I hope you all took that time to reflect. 

Why I need to do it

My goal is to loose 50 pounds between now and this time next year.  That is VERY do-able, at a little over 4 pounds a month. Especially if I get off my lazy butt and start exercising. 

First, the reasons WHY I need to:

• I want to make it through a day without my back killing me
• I want to be healthy when I finally get pregnant
• I want to live a long life!
• I want to be able to run a 5k
• I want to be an example to people around me

How I am planning on doing it:

• Eat at home!
• Cut out the majority of breads, all of the sweets
• Cut back portion sizes
• Exercise!!  With Jillian Michael's 30 day shred
• Start doing the Couch 2 5K program

I am just going to take it one day at a time.  I think my goal can be obtained easily without struggling to much.  I just know that I need to do it. I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go, that is for sure.

Where do I fall?

I was reading tonight in Mark, the parable of the seeds.  We've all heard and read it, many times I'm sure. The farmer sows some seed, some falls on the path where people walk, some in shallow soil, some in thorns, and some in fertile soil.  Jesus explains it to his discples as the seed = the Word of God.  The soil being ME and how I accept the word. 

Am I like the footpath that the seed doesn't even go into my spirit? Satan snatches it before it has the chance. 

Am I like the shallow soil?  I accept the Word, and am overjoyed by it, but when troubles come my way it washes away quickly because there are no roots.

 Do I have thorns in my life that grow up over the Word of God that chokes it out and kills it?

Or am I fertile soil for God's Word?  Am I cultivating an enviroment where God's Word reigns in my life?  Do I take care of my "soil"?  Unfortunately, though I am still working toward it, I don't think I've got good fertile soil yet.  But I am cultivating my soil.  I want God's Word to go in me, I want to take it in and it make a difference in my life.  I want to be able to take His Word, and give it to others, so when the farmer (Jesus) comes, I have produced a crop "thirty, sixty or a hundred times the amount of seen planted".

Lesson's in life

So I was told today that I wasn't chosen for the positon I put in for.  You know, the one that I have been working for 2 months, and will be working the next month. They decided it would be better to hire from the outside. We'll see. It is going to be tough. 

At the beginning of this journey I gave it all to God.  I didn't want to stress or worry over it, so I gave it to Him.  I told Him if he would take it that I would trust Him with whatever outcome came my way.  I cannot take it up and say "oh poor me" just because the outcome didn't come out the way I wanted it to!  I am still trusting me to put me in the right position, wherever that may lead me. 

Special Scripture

Have you ever gotten to a giving up point? I have been praying for a certain thing for... years. To the point that I feel like I'm begging. And boy do I hate begging.  It's been a while for me to pray for this certian thing, I mean, God knows my heart's desire right?  Then I read this scripture that changed all of that for me.  Maybe it is meant to help someone else too.

Matthew 7:7-8
"Keep on asking, and you will recieve what you ask for.  Keep on seeking, and you will find.  Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, recieves.  Everyone who seeks finds.  And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."

Keep on praying - even if it feels like the 1,000,000th time bringing it before God.

Interview and other things... sorry got off subject

I was finally interviewed for the job that I want.  It is the QC (Quality Coach) Team Lead position.... more commonly known as "Renee's position" at work haha. I think it went very well, there were some things I was able to say Thank You to God for bringing ideas and thoughts into my head so quickly.  We all know I can be slow sometimes.  I should know sometime next week the decision on the position. 

Ken took me to dinner tonight, we were gonna do a movie to but decided not to. 

For the most part I am doing the same, still have pains in my chest, arm, headaches, etc.  I am still having to fight the fear but I am overcoming with God's grace and help.  I take the thoughts that scare me captive and plead the blood of Jesus over them. There is no need to worry over these things, because I cannot control these things and the worrying and panic/anxiety over them is keeping me from truly living.  God is good and is delivering me from them. 

This Sunday I get to sing in church, I'm singing a beautiful song sung by Kathryn Scott called "Grace has called my name" ... a definition of grace is  "A favor rendered by one who need not do so".  There are so many things that Jesus did for me as "a favor" that he didn't need to do.  The biggest one is He died on the cross so that I can spend eternity in heaven with Him!  I may be worried/scared about the pain I may go through before that time, but I can only imagine what He has in store when I'm there, its just the getting there that I worry about!  He has shown grace by delivering me from sin, I don't have any desire to be out partying, drinking, etc and I know that is His grace that has taken that away.  God is awesome.  I am so thankful for the blessings He has given me. 

I am so blessed, I have a good home, a good job, the possiblity of a better position, wonderful God loving/fearing family, awesome nieces and nephews that I get to watch grow up, and most of all a spectacular husband.  Some of my favorite times is talking about "wow God" moments with my husband and agreeing how awesome He is, and my husband's prayers and support for me is the best thing in the world, it really warms my heart.  How awesome is God to give me all of this!!!

Frustrated

I've about had it with this fear crap. I could sit here and list symptoms all day... chest pains, up high and under the breast bone, in the center, on the left, on the right, under the left arm (all at different times)... sharp pain in left shoulder blade, tightness in chest, feeling like something is stuck in my throat, burns when I breathe in sometimes, headache - pain in the left temple, top of head, neck.... and on and on... okay, well that is most of it, except for some pains shooting up through my legs but that just started tonight.  haha. I sound like I'm falling apart.

I laugh, but it is so frustrating, because though, especially looking at the symptoms, I'm not falling apart, I just have gas and indigestion, I'm stressed so I have a headache and neckache, and it's cold so it burns when I breathe in or maybe I'm getting a cold. I really have to fight myself to convience myself that I'm not.  I'm tired of that.  I know that my God is awesome... I know that my God is a healer... I know my God is greater than ANY other.  But it is hard to convience myself, that something isn't wrong with me.  I don't know why. 

If you happen across this blog, pray for me... I need it. 

SURPRISE!!!

I pulled it off!  I surprised Ken with a graduation party this weekend!!! 

I am so proud of my husband.  He has worked very hard the past 2 years to make our lives better, to better himself, and to move up in this dog-eat-dog world.  He finally completed his Masters Degree!  He took many online classes to accomplish this over the past two years!  The poor thing had to work on school work on most of our vacations, including our honeymoon!!  But it was well worth it, and it is over now!  He worked very hard and made mostly A's in all of his classes. 

A couple months ago, I started plotting and planning.  I came up with a surprise party for him.  I was not very confident that I would pull it off.  I told family and close friends about it and reminded them a week before.  I was able to get an awesome friend to cater it for me, and an awesome chica to make the cake!!  Everything was AMAZING!  Daddy invited Ken to go out to Berrydale to go to a Sugar Cane Syrup thing... then to see my brother's processing place (deer meat), then had to stop by the church on the way home, "for ice".  We all hid when Daddy called Jennifer to tell her where he was at... and when Ken walked around those partions, it was the best!!!  He was so surprised!!  I knew at that moment he was honest to goodness surprised!!  It was awesome!!!  :)  Pictures soon on Facebook.

November

New month, new start.   I have slipped in my weight loss.  I haven't gained a lot, but still I'm not losing. It is frustrating, but it is all my fault, so I can't be frustrated with anyone by myself.  So I have a plan for November and here goes.

• Work out 6 days a week for 20 minutes
• 3 of those work outs with Jillian Michaels 30DS
• More fruits & veggies
• Less breads
• cut portions of meat
• cut portions all together

My realistic goal is to be at 215 by Christmas, my not so realistic goal, I would love to be under 200 by the first of the year.  But that is ~ 3 lb a week so a little over normal so it most likely won't happen.  I will get there.

Death and Fear

I don't even think I know where to start. I guess to start with what brought this post on.  I'm sure you have seen my previous posts about my fears, and one of which is death.  And God and I are working on this real hard to overcome it. But I found out tonight that one of my second cousins, Cathy Ann, was killed in a car accident last night.  It almost seems unreal, as we were with her last weekend at our family reunion. It made me think how much we don't know how long we have.

I KNOW that Jesus died for me and I KNOW He said "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die..." in John 11:25.  And I absolutely BELIEVE this.  But it is the dying part that scares me, not what happens afterwards! 

There is just that realm of the unknown that dangles there. I don't know why it captivates me (and not in a good way). I know that heaven, and being with God is the ultimate of the ultimate.  Better than we can EVER imagine.  Though sometimes I feel like there is so much I need to do here.  There are people I need to see come to God.  There are people I need to love on (KEN/my nieces and nephews/mom and dad/other family), things I want to do (have and raise a baby), and things I want to see (the awesome things God has in store for my family and friends, and the great miracles He is going to work).  and I know that God may not have all that in His plan for me, and for some reason that scares me.  Maybe because I'm no longer in control.  I've never seen myself as a control freak, or needing control, but maybe that is what it is.  I know I wasn't alone in my struggle, Phillipians 1:22-23 "But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me".   Though my struggle seems a lot more selfish when I compare it.

Just hearing this horrible, sad news about my cousin who had to leave behind her children and family.  I am having to pray off a panic attack over this mess.  But God did NOT give me a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, and a SOUND MIND!!!!  (2 Timothy 1:7)  Satan will NOT win this battle.  God is with me and will continue to be with me.

I need prayers, from anyone who is willing to remember me in prayer as much as possible.  Prayer that God would deliever me from this fear, that He will comfort me and give me peace, that He will control my panic attacks, that He will bring me closer and closer to Him, and build my relationship with Him.

Ever feel disconnected?

I hate the feeling of being alone.  But even worse than that is feeling like you just can't connect with anyone, not even God.  I find myself wondering if I could do something different for someone to like me, when most of the time they like me just fine to begin with. 

Lately, I've been feeling like I am not connecting with God.  I know that my Jesus saved me, I know that He is my Healer, my Provider, the One who always works wonders in my life.  The One who CONSTANTLY delivers me from fear.  But... why can't I get EXCITED about it?  Why do I just feel like it's normal... hum drum... every day happenings.  I feel like there is something wrong with me. I read my bible every day.  I pray daily.  The only complaint I have about my prayer life is I don't get the "down and dirty" praying going on.  I pray throughout my day, going to work, at work, at lunch, going home, all the time while I'm at home.  Whatever comes to my mind the first person I talk to about it is God.  I know He convicts me, because He is teaching me to be loving and less critical, I feel a heart prick (for lack of a better word) when I know I did something wrong or not to the best of my loving ability and have to ask forgiveness for it. I know that He loves me and that He does a LOT for me.  I just don't feel connected.  Has anyone ever felt this way?  Is it normal?  Am I doing something wrong?  I know Satan is behind the little voice that says "well, maybe you aren't doing right, maybe if you do die you won't go to heaven...".  I have to rebuke that thought a lot.  I just want that connection I used to have with God when I was younger... I want my heart to break for what breaks His.  If you have been through this... what has pulled you through?  Have you pulled through?

New Weight Loss Goal

So, maybe I haven't even made it to my FIRST goal yet... ugh that is depressing to think about.  But here are my goals for my weight:

1st goal - 220lbs
2nd goal - 199lbs (one derland) by January first
newest goal - My 10 year HS reunion is next year (2011) and I would like to be 175 lbs.  That would be 5 lbs a month (if we have it in may) and I think that is a reasonable goal.

BUT for every goal you have to have a game plan... THAT is what is hard to stick to, but here is my game plan:

*Keep cooking, keep the food similar to now, more strict on cooking at home.  No breads, pastas, rice, etc (or very little, no more than 1 serving a day) chicken and fish as much as possible and when not lean beef, lots of veggies
*WORK OUT!!  Okay this I've been slacking on... a LOT.  I blame it on being busy, but if I want to see a steady drop each month, I'm going to have to just plan better aren't I?  I really really want to start the C25K program, I think I will do that after the fair, new month, new start.  Also, I need to start my 30DS back.  I can do this.  I want to do this for me... Looking absolutely, fantastically awesome at my 10 year reunion is just a bonus!

Weigh-in Week 3... I think

Haha so I haven't been as diligent in posting as I originally intended.  We had another "bad" weekend with a lot of eating out, Big T, Fournais Brothers, etc. I haven't cooked all weekend if that tells you what is going on.  And we are going to be SO-oo busy this week, there won't be any cooking going on, looks like subway all week for me. ARGH!!!! It's sabotage I tell you... sabotage!  Only by ourselves... we plan our lives... we make our own decisions... yes, I'm busy, but I created my schedule!!! I really wanted to be at my goal weight by my anniversary (220 by 10/24) but with this weekend (at 223) and the upcoming week... I will have to work REALLY HARD. 

The plus side is Ken is finally out of the 260s!! He is at 258! and I am at 223!  I'm at a "high weight" (bloated, water weight, etc) and it is STILL BELOW 225!! Oh and I tried on and comfortably fit into my first pair of 14s... probably since I was in middle school!!!

Good Week

I have done really good diet wise this week.  Just one day off, and BOY was it a day off, 2 cupcakes, fried gizzards and potato logs.  However, I was good about not eating a LOT of it. Which is a plus.  I have held on to the 222 all week, no fluctuation so that must be a solid number.  I think I'm going to start blogging every day about how I ate, that will help me be accountable and stay away from the bad foods.

Todays food consisted of:
Breakfast - 2 slices of sugar free 100% whole wheat bread, 3 tbsp of peanut butter
Lunch - Rosemary Salmon, California Mix, Salad with 2 tbsp of ranch
Supper - Apple Smoked Turkey tenderloin with zucchini, onions and walnuts

"Do you believe in your ability to control your life/weight/troubles/etc?"

Biggest Loser

This show is so emotional for me.  Weight loss is very emotional in general.  I always feel great, sad, frustrated, etc along with the contestants.  But at the end of every show, I find myself saying... why can't I lose like that?  So.... Here is what I've done in the past 5 years....

2005 (340lbs)

3/2010  (~260 lbs)

9/2010  (~230 lbs)

I should totally know better

So today was the last day of our play, which means... CAST PARTY! 

Unfortunately, I thought I would "celebrate".  And of course, in today's warped society celebration = food.  And not typically of the healthy variety.  I started the day off poorly with a biscuit and gravy.  Then lunch/snack was poor again with some beef jerky and bugels.  Snacked on some vanilla wafers at the "reunion".  Then at the cast party had sandwiches, chips, fudge, sandwiches, candy pecans.  Though it wasn't in large quantites it did its work on my sugar apparently did it's work on my system.  Because for the first time in a long time, my sugar dropped this evening... I HATE when that happens. Back on the diet tomorrow!

Moonshine Creek "Folk Play"

Tonight was opening night in the play that we have been rehearsing for.  Back in late spring/early summer of this year Ken wrote a story about one of his ancestors William Johnson who was a founder of Milton.  His story was chosen to be a part of this play and he got to play the part of him as the story-teller!!! I was dragged into this as an extra, and have actually enjoyed it the past couple nights.  I am very proud of my wonderful husband, he is so awesomely talented in everything he does. He is the best.

It was awesome having our family there to support us, as always.  We have the bestest family ever.

Tomorrow is the last production of this play (thank goodness)  If you would like to come, it is at Milton High School at 2pm tomorrow, the cost is $10 for adults and $5 for students.

Weigh-in Day Week 2

So, last week wasn't so hot for us.  We were off work for 5 days, and so we slipped a little (or a lot).  But got right back on the ball Monday (with some slippage on Tuesday... will we ever get a good full week out of it?).  Today was weigh in day, and boy did it tell on us for not doing what we should have been doing.

Ken - 263
Tosh - 223

We can do so much better than that. 

My goals for this week: 
*Eat at home (on the diet plan), and if we MUST eat out (last week of play practice) then stay on the diet plan (a salad with ff dressing or grilled chicken).
* Go for a walk this weekend
*Starting Monday back on C25K
* Get Ken to go for a walk with me since it has cooled down.

Lets see if we can see those pounds drop!

Oh!! Supper tonight was A-MAZING if I do say so myself  :)  I made Mediterranian Stuffed Chicken Breasts (it was just roasted red bell pepper, olives, feta cheese and basil) and garbanzo stir fry (all the veggies like zucchini, onions, bell peppers, etc).  Yum-o!

2 Timothy 1:7

This is my "to live by verse" especially right now. God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, and a SOUND MIND. 

This past year I have struggled with a severe fear of dying. It is the oddest of things, because I know that when I do die I am going to be with my Lord and Savior.  I have no doubts about that.  Or do I?  Could that be something?  The root of my fear that Satan in honing in on?   I KNOW that God sent Jesus to die for me so that I could go to heaven to worship Him for eternity.  I went about 2 months not even knowing what to call this scared-ness.  Then God showed me and I started calling Satan out on it with the above scripture.  It had gone away and I was able to enjoy my life to the fullest.

My fears always centered around my death, and sometimes I could have vivid thoughts/images about it.  Satan would put pictures into my head about car accidents, crashes, etc that I couldn't control.  The biggest fear though is a heart attack, stroke, blood clot, and/or an aneurysm, all health related.  I think  maybe some of that took root after my surgery.  I had some problems w/it, well not really, but kinda, but the last thing I remember before hand is me thinking I made a mistake and shaking my head back and forth when they put the gas mask on me.  They said I fought like that for about 10 minutes after I was "out".  Then getting the blood clot (PE) about a month later.  I KNOW that God was with me during these situations and He pulled me out of them.  But I wonder if this is where the fear took root at.

Anyways, I haven't had any bothers with this for over 6 months.  Praise God!  Then last night it hit me again.  It was 3am before I could pray through it and get some rest.  It was continuous thoughts running through my head... "My heart is beating fast, surely it is beating fast, am I about to have a heart attack?"  "My head hurts awfully bad, its a wierd kind of tingly hurt... am I about to die from an aneuresym?"  "Will Ken wake up to a dead wife?"  alllllllllll night loooong Satan threw these thoughts at me.  I just kept praying God's love and comfort and healing power of protection over me and quoting that scripture... in my own ad lib way  "God did NOT give me a spirit of fear, but of POWER over satan, LOVE for Him and everyone, and a SOUND MIND!!!"   I was able to go to sleep, like I said, around 3am (the alarm went off at 7am).  But I have had a little twinge of the fears as the day progressed.  Satan is NOT going to keep me from sleeping tonight so I am well rested to worship my LORD tomorrow during church.

I know that I need to keep my mouth shut about my fears, and speak ONLY of God's promises of PEACE & SAFTEY so that Satan will know HE IS DEFEATED.  So I looked up some more scriptures to start memorizing and thought I would share them with you, in case anyone out there is in the same boat (even if not about the same thing) as I am.

Psalm 12:2    Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my  strength and my song; He has become my salvation.
Psalm 23:4    I will fear no evil for You (God) are with me.
Psalm 27:1    The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear?    The  Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?
Psalm 34:4    I  sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 41:10-13 KJV    Fear not, for I am with you.  Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you.  Yes, I will help you.  Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of My righteousness.  Behold, all they that were incensed against you shall be ashamed and confounded.  They shall be as nothing.  They that strive with you shall perish.  You shall seek them and shall not find them that contend with you.  They that war against you shall be as nothing.
Psalm 56:3    Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.Isaiah 26:3    You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.
Isaiah 35:3,4 KJV    Strengthen you the weak hands and confirm the feeble knees.  Say to them that are of a fearful heart, "Be strong, fear not.  Behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompense.  He will come and save you."
Isaiah 41:10    Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Luke 8:50     Do not be afraid.  Only believe.
Luke 10:19    I give you the authority to trample on serpents, scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy.  Nothing shall by any means hurt you. 
Romans 8:15    For you have not received the (evil) spirit of bondage again to fear; bur you have received the (Holy) Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
Hebrews 13:5-6    God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."  So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?"
1st John 4:18 RKJV     There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out (looses/evicts/exterminates) fear  because fear has torment.  He that fears is not (yet) made perfect in love.
Looks like I have a lot of memorizing to do.  I need more in my arsenal against the enemy!  Until then, I will just have to get up and read, read, and re-read over and over again.

Many Blessings of Peace to you ALL.

I know, 2 post in 1 day...

Hehe  does that make this a twofer?      I just thought it had been a while since I showed off pictures of my family so here goes...



Dakota during his first football game!



Keaton 4 years old (right before his bday)



Tyler 2 years old









Hunter 14 months



Analia (almost) 6 mths old (the diva!)

My brother Chris skiing!

My brother Michael skiing

My sister in law Becky & Analia



My sister Jennifer

Weigh-in Day Week 1

We have arrived at the end of Week 1 of Operation "Diet"

Synopsis - We both did very good over the weekend.  I blew it on Monday at work, but immediately back on track for supper.  We ate "out" Monday night (grilled chicken from KFC) AND Tuesday night (grilled chicken grover salad from Big T) so I am sure the "up" we are experiencing yesterday and today is from sodium intake.  I'm working hard to flush mine out (100+oz water yesterday and it is 2pm and I'm on 64oz for today).  I went for a walk Monday evening (out of guilt) and I believe I am going again this evening, and I'm going to try to drag Ken along.  I think he would do even BETTER with exercise.

Weigh in results:

Ken:
Start Weight (SW) - 276
Current Weight (CW) - 266
Goal Weight (GW) - 245-250
Total Loss of 10 lbs in week 1!!!!

Tosha:
SW: 232
CW: 225
GW: 220
Total Loss of 7 lbs!!

**Side note:  Before our sodium uptick Ken's lowest weight this week was 261! Mine was 223! 

Hope you are enjoying our weight loss journey!

Oh!  Tonights supper = Salmon Patties and Steak Tomato "Pizzas"  (I love South Beach diet recipes!)

OH a Monday

So I did FANTASTIC with my options over the weekend.  I was very proud of myself to be around cornbread, tortilla chips, chocolate fountains with fruit, and baby shower cake and snub my nose at it all.

Then came potluck Monday today at work.  Our boss lady is stepping down so that she can move on with school and become the awesome person she is destined to be, so it was our last team meeting with her.  We decided to do a pot luck.  I went to work with full intentions of being good.  I brought deviled eggs and a black bean salsa that was both no carbs (err LOW carbs).  However, I was weak and didn't keep up with my diet.  I ate chips and dip, and lasagna, and carrot cake.  And afterwards I was/am very disapointed in myself.  So I will not be surprised if I am back up tomorrow on my week 1 weigh in.  Maybe I will wait to "offically" weigh in on Wednesday morning. 

New Diet

So on Monday Ken went to the doctor and was told he had diabetes, he was told that he needs to lose 30 lbs before he sees him again (8 weeks) for that and other medical reasons.  I figure that is an awesome way to help me lose weight too!  So we are going on the "diet" the doctor put him on. 

This isn't a "here's what you CAN eat" diet, but a "you CANNOT eat..." diet.  Here is a list of food we cannot have:

NO fruit juice
NO cold cereals
NO rice
NO bread
NO pasta

I asked him about brown rice and whole wheat pastas and breads because you always here that those are better for you.  He told us that they may be BETTER but still not what we need to have. 

So, being the good wife I am (and sensible, why make 2 meals?) Ken and I started the "diet" on Tuesday.We had baked chicken and salad on Tuesday, Wednesday was chicken stir fry, I finally made it to the grocery store on Thursday and we had Lime Broiled Catfish and Asparagus (YUMM-O), and tonight I made Chicken Pepper Skillet.  Tomorrow we have a meeting so we will eat at the meeting (potluck) and leftovers for supper. The rest of the week's menu sounds pretty tasty too:

Sunday:  Salmon with lemon, capers & rosemary and california vegetables
Monday:  Crockpot Chicken Paprika
Tuesday: Mediterranean Stuffed Chicken & Garbanzo Stir Fry
Wednesday: Salmon Patties & Tomato Pizzas
Thursday: Lemon Chicken StirFry

I'll have to get some more recipes, if anyone has any low carb chicken/fish recipes or low carb side dish recipes I would greatly appreciate them.

We have already started to see pounds shed from this and we haven't even reached the end of week 1 yet! I know that men lose faster than women, but I'm just sayin', seeing this, it's gonna suck mentally!!

Ken - Weighed at the Dr's at 276 - Tues morning weighed at 267 (probably water weight) - weight Fri morning was 261! 

Tosh - Weighed Mon morning at 231 - Tues morning at 227 (again prob water weight)  - weight Fri morning was 225 (3 more lbs to be at my lowest EVER since my surgery, btw)

Ken's goal weight is 245 by November 8th.  (31lbs)
Tosha's goal weight is 200 by Thanksgiving (25lbs)

I will keep you updated on how we are doing as the time goes on!!  I'm excited for this new journey in our lives together.

Not sure why this is on my heart

So I was thinking back on a past situation when I was younger that a good "godly" friend of mine in the church hurt me, I was about 18/19 and teetering on the edge anyways, but they pushed me over and for a long time, I didn't want to have anything to do with church "if that was what christians are like"

You hear that excuse (and YES it is an EXCUSE) so often nowadays. "Sister so and so did this and it hurt my feelings, I'm not going to go to that event because she may be there."  "Brother so and so called me out on this and it was just wrong and not the right thing to do, so I'm going to stop going to church."

Really?! Why do we hurt ourselves, God, and our relationship with God because of other people?  Why do we make it about the other people? Why do we let other humans who are flawed beyond all imagine control us?  Why do we let OTHERS call the shots with what goes on between us and God?

Doing this only hurts yourself.  So, you got your feelings hurt, or something was said, and you turn from church (and ultimately God).  The other person (who may not have any idea they hurt you) asks God's forgiveness and KEEPS GOING AND GROWING IN GOD!!  THEY are still being blessed!!!!!  But you harbor those hateful feelings, and they grow and fester and make sores all over your heart and life, they cause you to be bitter and hateful, and turn from all Godly things to things of the world and you are now CURSED and MISERABLE in your life. And there are only 2 people hurt in this, you, and God, because you are not doing what He created you to do anymore.

Do it for God, not the people.  Make YOUR relationship #1... NO ONE ELSE MATTERS!!!

I'm not sure that this is for anyone other than myself, but I knew I needed to type it out, so it's here.  I know I needed it.

Day at the River

Today was filled with so much FUN!!!  We got to the river early... the river is so beautiful early in the morning... if I could get Ken out of bed we'd go much more often in the early mornings!

The family all starts piling in, and we get the boat ready for the day... or rather Daddy did.

We spent the day skiing and tubing

Movie stars like Analia were there...

And water bugs like Keaton, Tyler, & Hunter too!

All in all it was a wonderful day!!!

Boo hoo moments

So, I wasn't going to blog today, or tomorrow, because you've heard enough of my "boo hoo moments". But today has been hard so, might as well get it off my chest.

Tomorrow, if all things had worked out to plan (which they rarely do), my child (be it boy or girl) would have been 5 years old. I don't usually even remember about the due date, usually it's a week later and I'm going "oh yea..." I think I may be thinking about it as it would be a milestone. They would be starting school this year.

I know that God worked everything out the way it was supposed to, and for some reason, that baby did not need to be in this world longer than 8 weeks.

God has put so much joy into my life around this time. My daddy's birthday is on the same day, my nephew Keaton will be 4 just a week later on the 10th! And today, my sister in law got to see a picture of her "beaner" who is 8 weeks today.

I know my day will come. And it will be a glorious one and GOD will get all the glory!!

“The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

Let's play ketchup :)

So, where to begin. Not sure if I've been here on this blog or not, but I'm going to be an AUNTIE T again :) Amanda goes tomorrow for her first appointment, I am very excited for her. Praying that the baby will be strong and healthy and know how much he/she is loved before they even arrive!

My oldest nephew turns 4 on the 10th of September. Seems like yesterday we were in the hospital waiting on him.

My baby would have been 5 on the 2nd (if it had come on schedule)... scary, sad, etc. Not dwelling, just a fact.

God has been working on me on a couple different things lately. First off, in repenting of sins when they happen, and refrain from continuing to do it. One thing that has really hit me this week is... "If you have to ask yourself if what you are fixing to say is gossip... IT IS!" I have a bad habit of discussing other people (it is usually good so don't get offensive!) to other people (not the same people). A lot to do with my totally boring life and everyone else has great things going on! Or telling a close friend a story about someone just to end up with "so we should pray for him/her". God is working on my heart that this is not acceptable and I shouldn't be doing it. If someone needs prayer, and I think I need help with that prayer, the other person doesn't need the background story. *Please note: This is still a work in progress, but He has been good about stopping me, mid sentence sometimes, and convicting my heart. Please don't stop God!!

Secondly, the whole baby thing, yes I know everyone is probably tired of hearing it, I'm tired of thinking about it. But I have made a vow to God (and will have to follow through with that as soon as I finish typing this) that I will give the pain, frustration, depression, questions, and thoughts to Him whenever it comes into my mind. I don't need to fret over it, it cannot help any anyways.

I hope everyone has a great rest of your week and remember, you don't have to be perfect if you are forgiven!

August 21 2010

Life is so precious. No matter how long you've lived it, does it ever feel like it is long enough. Many people may not know this about me, but I am scared of death. I'm not sure how long it has been hanging back there, or why it surfaced recently. It is the weirdest thing. I get paranoid over little things, what to do if a fire breaks out at the house, what if someone crosses that yellow line? What if someone pulls out in front of me? (and now you know why I drive like an old granny) What if I have a heart attack? Stroke? Brain anuerism (sp?)? Then I wonder what happens when I die? (Ken and I talked about this last night) Do I immediately go to heaven? Or do I just kinda lay around (for lack of a better thought) until Jesus comes back? Maybe I am overlooking something, but it doesn't seem to be very clear. And my thought is, if we immediately go to heaven and be with God, then what is the purpose in the saints rising from their graves?

Just the crazy thoughts going through my head lately. There has been a lot of deaths, and people dying around me that are close to me or just that I have heard of. Sweet sweet people who I wonder for them as much as my paranora for myself. Still workin' on that... My fear of the unknown.

Interesting Day

Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius. -Comte de Buffon


So we are on our way to church this morning and there is a preacher on the radio station Ken listens to (some AM station) and typically he turns it, but for whatever reason (God) he doesn't this morning, and we're listening to the preacher talk about Job. Now not in a million years would I have associated Job to being a book of the bible that would help me with what I'm going through. But the preacher was talking about how even though Job never CALLED God unjust, he felt that He was not just to him. He just didn't understand why.

I have been beating myself up for feeling like God has abandoned me in my wants/desires. But even Job felt that way, a great man of God. Now granted he went through a LOT worse than I am, but just the same, each persons pain is their pain and it is a lot to them. But even Job wondered what he had done to cause God to be unjust.

THEN, we are in church, singing in worship (great service) and Pastor John says that even though Job had to go through a lot, and lose everything, in the end he got it all back and then some. WOW. Now that just did me in... It was like God tapped me on my shoulder and whispered in my ear, "all back and THEN SOME."

I of course couldn't hold the tears back and to the alter I go. God please open my womb, please help me, I'm tired of feeling this pain in my heart, it's getting old month after month, year after year. And my wonderful husband, my momma and Mrs. Tiawana was praying for me. Later Tiawana said that all week I've been coming to her mind, and the passage that came to hear was in the old testament, when the woman came crying to the alter, and they thought she was drunk she was crying so much,she wanted God to open her womb. Tiawana was just amazed when she opened her eyes that I was at the alter crying to God.

So a lot has happened today. My eyes have been opened that it is okay to feel that it's not fair, as long as I don't give up faith that one day... one sweet day, God will open my womb and I will be able to praise Him for the child He has given us.

and life goes on...

I'm going to be an aunt again!! The news is simply bittersweet. By this stage it is definitely more sweet than bitter. My sister in law, Amanda, after over a year of struggling with the normal emotions of wanting something so badly and not being able to have it, struggling with physical problems that had to be fixed, and struggling with herself found out on Monday (August 2nd), after 5 tests hehe, that she is pregnant!!

I cannot lie, once it sunk in I had a hard time... I think in the past almost year that I have been (like my sister in law) desiring after children, EVERYONE I know has had a baby, or become pregnant. I know that God promises to give us the desires of our hearts when we love and trust in Him. I have the knowledge of what is right, and true, that God's promises are true... But I can't help but question, does He know something I don't? Have I done something wrong in His eyes and I don't deserve a child? You know... that is the one that hits me the hardest, that God thinks I don't deserve a baby, that I won't do it justice.

ECK, this is a HAPPY POST.... I am ecstatic for Amanda and Ben, they are very blessed and will do a wonderful job of raising their child to be a great little one. *hehe* IF she can get past the spittin' up and pooin'. It is going to be an awesome 8 more months :)

Seen my nephews today. Met them in TJ Maxx (Jenn was shopping for something) and walked around with her their then we went to Chickfila so we could eat lunch and they could play in the inside play thing. Those boys are getting so big. Keaton will be 4 next month, and I can remember going to the hospital to see him born. It was a great day :)

Chiropractor

So I struggled with a SEVERE (to say the LEAST) headache for almost 9 days (I had 1 day of relief in the middle). I went to my regular doctor who gave me a pain shot, some steriods and told me to let him know if it doesn't go away... It LESSENS the pain but never goes away... so I do some research online and really come to the conclusion it is a tension headache (sore neck and shoulders too, which the dr NEVER felt of). So I had heard of "miracle workers" by the name of chiropractors. So I looked one up, on the same day that I called my primary care doctor back to tell him something had to give. Ken made me an appointment with Dr. Brooks in Pea Ridge. Dr. K calls me back (more than 24 hours after I called him REAAAALLY??) to tell me that I can take 2 tylenol 3 times a day for pain (WHAT?!!!? I was already taking 4 tylenol 4-5 times a day and it wasn't TOUCHING it) or he could make me a nerologist referral. So needless to say I told him I would go to the chiropractor and if I needed his referral to push me off to someone else so he didn't have to deal with me I'd call back.

Anyways, the none aggravated part of this story... I seen Dr Brooks Tuesday, he did a spinal adjustment (scary to hear all that crackin') which means he cracked my spine and neck... and did a "treatment" which is like an electrical deep tissue massage.... It felt better (headach mostly gone) today... went BACK this afternoon, he adjusted my spine and did the treatment again.... and (queue angelic choir singing "ahhh") I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, though my back, shoulders, and neck are still sore and muscles very tense... not nearly as bad, and the pain level has gone from a level 7-8 to a level 2-3 which I haven't felt in WEEEEKS!!

what a week

Not sure what is going on but I have had a headache for a week now. Some days are worse than others. Went to the doctor on Wednesday, he gave me a pain shot (and a shot of fenegren to help with the stomach uneasiness that the pain meds supposedly cause) and some steroids (3 days worth) to help. Well, I slept most the evening Wednesday, Thursday it was a little better, Friday the headache was gone 95% of the day (what a wonderful day that was). Then Saturday was a very emotionally toiling day (Ken says the steroids will do that do you) and that evening my headache came back with a vengance... it has stayed throughout today. I stayed in bed until 1:30 this afternoon which obviously caused me to miss church. I'm upset at myself over that, I should have gotten up anyways. I haven't done much more than lay around all day today went to the inlaws and ate supper, now back at home, the headache is just a dull pain right now, feels like someone is slowly tightening a vice grip around my temples. and a sharp pain in the back of my head around my next. Ken is calling a chiropractor tomorrow (some think it may be tension) and I'm calling Dr K. to tell him it didn't help. Hopefully we will figure it out soon, this is MISERABLE!!!

Will you escape by the skin of your teeth?

"Anyone who builds on that foundation may use a variety of materials - gold, silver, jewels, wood, hay, or straw. But on the judgement day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person's work has any value. If the work survives, that builder will recieve a reward. But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss. The builder will be saved, but like someone barely escaping through a wall of flames." 1 Corinthians 3:12-15

What kind of building (spiritual, bringing people to God, doing Godly things, living the right life, etc) am I building to present to Jesus when He comes back for me? Will he put my "buildings" to flame and they come out even more beautiful that when they started and He say "Well done My good & faithful servant?" or will it all be ash on the ground as He sadly shakes His head and ushers me in.

It may be pretty (gold, jewels, etc) but will it stand the true test?
I may be made hastily, just so you have something to show Him (hay) again, will it stand the true test?

God, help my actions, testimonies, and "buildings" not only be pretty to look at, but sustainable in the testing fires. I don't want to get by by the skin of my teeth.

Birthday Weekend

So, it has been a challengeing week leading up to my birthday. I have a bad habit of building things up and getting excited over things. So 2 weeks ago, me, Ken, and my brothers and sister in law decided to go tubing Saturday for my birthday, then on Sunday my mom and dad was gonna take us all to the river for some river tubing on the boat. Then on top of that Ken and I have the next week off and we are staying home so there was one thing I wanted to do, go to Big Kahuna's... So, let's fast forward to last week (around the 22nd-24th)... Ken calls, he has to work 2 of our 5 days of vacation... BUMMER!!!! I was very disappointed to be missing 2 days of vaca with my hubby (but very blessed we had not already booked something or decided to go out). Next, my brother told us he had to work that weekend, and no one (including me) wanted to go tubing without him (but he is VERY blessed to have a job... that he is getting awesome OT in). Daddy didn't get a chance to work on the boat... so no river on Sunday. Last but not least (before I get to my awesome weekend)... Like I said 1 thing I wanted to do on my stayca was Big Kahuna's, b/c of Ken having to work, we had 2 days we would be able to do this, Monday (today) and Tuesday... woke up this morning to a fabulous storm (blessed bc we needed the rain)... that has lasted allllll day. Tomorrow doesn't look much better on the weather channel. So NOTHING has turned out as planned.

However, the plans that God worked out to replace mine we pretty great. Saturday Ken and I got up and went to breakfast (I was able to get him to eat at Hardee's, though he did pray for his life), then went to Aunt Wanda's pool and spent the afternoon in the pool, Uncle Lamar cooked hamburgers and we ate a good lunch with them, and Ashley and Taylor. Then we went home to get ready for my bday dinner at Blackwater Bistro. I have to say we were one hot couple! I was touched and realized how truly blessed I am to have such wonderful family show up for my birthday dinner. I enjoyed spending the time with my family. They ROCK. Sunday was a good day with my nephews, running through the sprinkler with my nephews and shooting waterguns at each other! And although today fell through with Big Kahuna's I had such a lovely relaxing day with my husband, puppy dog, and blankie, laying on the couch watching movies and tv and reading. So... it all turned out great.

I still have one birthday wish I asked for from God... but it was just kinda one of those little things I think/pray about all the time anyways, but what a wonderful time, my birthday :)

envy and sadness

Lately I have felt... empty. I'm not sure why. I feel exhausted mentally, physically, and most of all spiritually. Like I am going through the motions. I hate it. But I have yet to figure out the "quick fix" for it. So I am praying and keep on moving through my life, and more praying. It is not that I dislike my life. I love my life. I love my job (surprise I know), my family (including my inlaws cause they are great), my church, my friends. But I feel like I'm missing out. on something. somewhere. somehow. (not that I have time to fit anything else in my life)

I sometimes wonder if the hugeness (is that a word? ... is now.) of my desire for children is what is keeping God from blessing me. Do I want to much? Do I make the thought of children an idol before me? I pray that is not what I am doing. I feel so alone in this sometimes, though I know I am not. I wonder if anyone else has wanted children or something similar so badly that they had to wonder if it was consuming them. I hold my niece, nephews, or other children and wonder what their parents did right that I can't or didn't do that would have God bless them with such wonderful treasures. Even when my nephews are being little snots :)

I have to remind myself daily, hourly... that God said "For I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11) Then I wonder, what if God's plans for me is not in line with my plans / desires? What if the "good plans" He has for me is to not have children... would I ever be okay with that? Would I be able to handle that? At this point, unfortunately I can't say that I could. Maybe, if Iknew for sure it was never going to happen. But I hate this waiting and wondering game... every month praying that it happens... every day.

I think I hate the feeling that I'm not good enough. That crosses my mind alot. Maybe I'm not good enough to have children. Maybe God knows that I would forget to do something to take care of them, or that they would be better with someone else... I know that is Satan, and I shouldn't let him steal my peace (which I do have peace about this occassionally). I try to convince myself that I will be okay either way and even forget about it... a little. Then I hear about the newest pregnancy in my group of friends / family and realize how much I still struggle with it. How can everyone I know be pregnant and not me?? Then I realize how that is coveting something someone else has and have to repent.

I pray that God will one day... one day give me the desires of my heart. And I pray that if He chooses not to, that He will let me know soon (I'm tired of wondering) and will be the peace in my heart, because I don't know if I could handle that on my own.

Updates

Everyone in the family is doing well. We have lots of birthdays this week! My father in law, my nephew Hunter, and my niece Aiyana! Analia will be 3 months old this week and her mom and dad are taking her to get her ears pierced! :) Ken's infection is gone! Praise God!! There are supposedly more things going on they are sending him to an endocronologist for. So still keep him in your prayers, but he has improved, mood wise, energy wise and everything. God is so good!!

I have not done my 30 Day Shred in two weeks!! I know, shame shame. But, I started back tonight, bc I could tell a difference, not so much in my size, as in the flabby-ness in my tummy. So hopefully I can have that under control soon! I would still like to loose at least 40 more lbs... so I'm still working on that.

Happiness

I am reading a new book. It is a bible study called "Managing Your Moods" my husband will be the first to thank God I'm doing this :)

Today's lesson was on Happiness. It is amazing we don't think about the way we lower our standards so that we will be happy, we avoid situations that may compromise that happiness.

"I want no regrets, so I will take no chances. I do not want to feel shame, so I will blend quietly into the crowd. I don't want to be disappointed, so I'll lower my expectations. I do not feel happy when I am embarrassed, so I will avoid speaking up. I don't want to experience sadness, so I will not allow myself to care. We set up emotional comfort zones and stay within them. No one can make us budge, not even the Lord."

My question is... is this happiness? And is it really worth that cost?

God help me break out of my comfort zone of "happiness"

Fasting and prayer

So, I was praying... just my daily, multi time a day prayers, short little thank yous, prayer for patiences, etc. And God really spoke to me... Kind of like that thought in the back of your mind, but I know, the Tosha I know, would NEVER think this on her own.

As many are aware we've struggled getting pregnant. We've recently found out that Ken has some problems, though not directly related to it, but could be an indirect reason we are stuggling. He has had to have a handful of doctor's appointments and test and the such.

I pray on a daily, multiple time a day, basis for my husband, and one of those is a prayer of healing. However, as I was praying yesterday, God said that I need to fast for him (see I told you that wouldn't have come from me!) I needed to fast 1 meal a day. Also that I need to memorize and claim some healing scriptures and promises for our lives.

I started my fast today, I know to some of you that can go to veggies, fruit and water for 40 days, 1 meal a day is scoffed at. However, I chose supper for a couple reasons, 1) I can make sure to spend that time in prayer (whereas at work I would get easily sidetracked) and 2) it is by far my favorite meal of the day (lunch is usually leftovers).

I also looked up some great scriptures on healing that I thought I would share with everyone.

(Exodus 15:26 NKJV) and said, "If you diligently heed the voice of the LORD your God and do what is right in His sight, give ear to His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you which I have brought on the Egyptians. For I am the LORD who heals you."

(2 Chronicles 7:14 NKJV) "If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. **I enter here.. "and heal their body"

(Psalms 30:2 NKJV) O LORD my God, I cried out to You, And You healed me.

(Isaiah 53:5 NKJV) But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.

(Jeremiah 17:14 NKJV) Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; Save me, and I shall be saved, For You are my praise.

(Jeremiah 30:17 NKJV) For I will restore health to you And heal you of your wounds,' says the LORD

God is good

So I've had an emotional week. I'm sure I make things more emotional than they have to be. I struggle with the fact that we haven't gotten pregnant yet. It has not be forefront in my mind lately as there have been some other things we are going through that could affect that. But regardless, it is there. I have realized that I have let the frustration, hurt, and blame build up inside of me, at God. However, I let that go this morning. It didn't hit me that was what I was doing, I just felt like I was pulling further and further away from God. Not really wanting to go to church, not really praying like I should, etc. But God moved my heart and tore down some of the walls I had started to build. I couldn't understand why God would deny me the desires of my heart. His Word clearly says, "He will give you the desires of your heart". What did I do wrong? Am I paying for mistakes in my past? Am I now reaping what I have sown in the past? Which I know I have to do. But I couldn't figure out where to "place" the blame. Either God has thrown me out with the trash or I must have done something wrong. So I hit the alter hard today, after God smacked me in the head. He is so awesome, I boo-hoo'd like a baby. My momma prayed with me and afterward she was willing to share a conversation she had with God. She told me that she asked God why He wouldn't give her child a baby. (It's great to know you have a great momma that talks to God for you) And He answered her and said that He will, He's just enjoying me now.

So, with reassurance I say, "Enjoy me God. Let me be pleasing to You. For I know you will give me the desires of my heart. I KNOW it. No more doubts, no more fears. You love me, and will care for me and give me my desires" and until then I have lots of babies around me to play with! haha

30DS, arts festival, bible study and more!

30DS is short for Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. They say you can lose up to 20 lbs in 30 days. hmm. I'm sure there is small print on that somewhere that says something to the effect of "1 person out of 2,000,000,000,000 lost 20 pounds while using this video. So though it is VERY very very very unlikely, you just may do it. Never mind she was psycho and starving herself at the same time, oh and she died from malnutrition 20 days later." Anyways, I've attempted it a couple times before (the past week) and only made it about 8-10 minutes into it. Tonight though, I successfully made it through the whole 20 minutes!! Ohh FINE, back up, maybe it wasn't so successfully. There were a couple 20 second water breaks and O.M.Goodness moments when I thought I was gonna die that I took a few seconds to be able to breath again. I say it was successful because I lasted through the whole 20 minutes, not just 8. And I say there was minimal yelling and screaming at Jillian as I'm doing jumping jacks and the house is shaking asking her if she's going to pay for my new house as mine is fixing to tumble down around me. Ken however says I was spewing venom at her. Eh. To each their own. I will do this again tomorrow night. My goal is at least 5 days a week. so my 30 days will take 6 weeks, not 4.

The Santa Rosa Arts Festival is tomorrow and Sunday. I am excited about this one, they have 108 different booths celebrating both arts & culture. One of those will be ours, the Florida Tribe of Cherokee Indians, we will be selling handmade jewelry, handpainted gourd rattles, hand drawn/painted pictures, handmade corn husk dolls, etc. If you are in the area, come down to the riverwalk and visit with us, enjoy the crafts, and different culture booths out there!! It is supposed to be a beautiful weekend!

So there is this wonderful lady, Elisa, who has decided to start a "college age" bible study. I'm super excited to be around people my age to hang out, read, and be around. I'm glad she was led to do this because it is something I really need. I don't have many friends to begin with, but my friends who share my faith are REALLY lacking. I have plenty of aquaintences, but no one I can really pour my heart out too, other than my bestie. :) So yay for bible study.

I'm planning my cousins bridal and lingerie showers for next month, which is almost upon us. I am running behind on sending out the invitations. So I'm going to be busting my booty to get that all done by no later than Wednesday this week. The other planning is pretty well done, it's just getting the stuff and putting it together that day. I really enjoy planning showers, wedding, babies, etc.

Softball & Prayer

So I am steadily getting better at softball. I can run further and faster. I can catch better, and I can hit further and more solid. Like they say, with practice comes perfection. We had a game last night, and as you know I play catcher. Well I caught last night alright. A bat right to the bridge of my nose. Apparently everyone heard the crack. I hear a lot of commotion I remember telling someone "I just need to know what to do, what do I do" while the blood is pouring, everyone is saying "Put your head back!" "No, you need to put your head forward" back and forth, then in the background I hear my cousin James say, "She's out right? Slinging the bat is an out?" hahaha Way to keep his priorities straight! Not that it bothered me, it took everything I had not to crack up.

Ken insisted that I go to the hospital. So off we went to Sacred Heart (after I pitched a fit about having to leave the game). I've got an ice pack on my eyes and nose so I can't see anything (that is a crazy way to travel by the way). While I was on the way I prayed, for the people who had gotten hurt last night at the games (there was apparently a lot). Then I started thinking about what they may have to do if it was badly broken (which by the sound of the crack it was). You know, break it again, set it, etc. I started praying HARD. I was quick to thank God that it was not worse than what I know it could have been. But also quick to ask for His healing hand on my nose. I could tell a difference in the pain, or lack of pain. The doctor said that it was broken, but barely and it was a clean, straight break so there would be no crookedness. Today, there is still little pain, little bit of swollenness, a lot of stuffiness, and no black eyes. And though most people may say that I got lucky. I disagree. I PRAYED and HE ANSWERED!

God spoke... time to listen

The only problem is, I'm not 100% sure what I heard, and if it was supposed to be what stuck out.

First it started off when Mrs Debbie read a kids book by Karen Kingsbury about your children's lasts. Beautiful book, which that book doesn't bother me, but it was odd the way she started it, with a "disclaimer" so to speak that it was not meant to hurt those without, who can't, or who've lost.

Then Pastor preached a message titled, "Desiring to be a Mother". He focused on 2 scriptures.
Genesis 30:1 "When Rachel saw that she wasn’t having any children for Jacob, she became jealous of her sister. She pleaded with Jacob, “Give me children, or I’ll die!”" and
1 Samuel 1:10-11 "Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord, his hair will never be cut."

I have to be honest, if my brother and sisters and niece and nephews hadn't been there I was inches from walking out. My heart was already open and sore. I didn't want anymore. I know that feeling, the utter dispair, helplessness, that you will die. I have made vows to God, though I am very careful not to vow to something I cannot follow through on. I know how desperate these women are. Though obviously if you look at me I haven't been driven to the lack of eating :)

Pastor finished off with another verse (well to be honest, I think this all tied in spiritually somewhere but the spiritual part was not what I needed so I cannot remember exactly how that tied in.) and this is the verse I am claiming for me.

Genesis 30:22-23 "And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach."

So I am claiming that for myself. "God remember ME, Toshana, and open my womb."

It still ripped at my heart, made me ornery and not wanting to be around people. I did good, and LOVED being with my family today. I get home, and there is a beautiful blog by a beautiful woman who has struggled with infertility, or rather less fertility and she blessed me with her story and her kind words. And her ending scripture touched my heart.

1 Samuel 1:27 Rebekah's cry to God was heard... ""I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him." "

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mommies and mommies to be out there.

For a couple reasons this holiday is bitter sweet to me. Oh course the sweet part is all the wonderful mom's out there that get recongnized (though they deserve 1 day a week, not just 1 a year). And I reflect on how wonderful my mom is, and how much I have been blessed to have her in my life.

However the bitter part is the short fleeting memory of the little life I once carried, though it was only for a short handful of weeks, and shouldn't matter that much it does. And then the thought/worry if I will ever feel that way again. We will wait and see.

an AH HA moment

This has been a rough month financially for us. Not hurting, but struggling. No extra money, only enough for the essentials, etc. Then we got word that Ken's financial aid didn't go through. He wasn't able to go on with his next class, because summer classes are considered "add-on's" and we would have to jump through hoops to get it approved for.

When Ken and I got married, I made a vow with God to pay our tithes. We have always done well, financially. We aren't rich or anything, but never struggled.

I was praying about everything this weekend, and realized, I haven't been paying our tithes!! Looking back at how blessed we were while I was it was and the stuggle we have been through this month, I am DEFINITELY back to paying my tithes this Sunday!!

Softball & weight loss

So I have decided to torture myself this spring/summer. I have joined our work softball team. We are playing at the city fields on Monday nights. Our first games (every Monday we have 2 games) we played fairly well, like everything kind of fell into place. We lost the first game, but won the second.

I learned that I cannot run like I should be able to. Also, I learned that I am terrified of the ball. I haven't had that sensation since the first year I played, when I was 9. But it will all work out in time.

I've been asked to play for the church co-ed league as well, so I will be playing softball 2 days a week, and practicing 2 days a week. Not sure when I'm going to fit the gym (that I just paid $200 for) in to all of this, but I MUST!

I have made myself a busy life, but at least it is busy with activity and hopefully that along with the better eating I will lose more weight. I am down 21 lbs from December. 10 from February. I have 19 more lbs to go til my first goal weight of 220. That is slightly below where I was at when I met Ken. My goal date for this is the end of the summer (ideally by my birthday June 26) but I will be okay with it as long as it is by August. My next mini goal will be to lose 21 more lbs (199) before Jan 1, 2011.

Long week

It has definitely been a long week at work this week. Nothing bad happened really, it just seemed to drag and drag and drag... you get the point. I was very unproductive compared to what I normally do. Looking forward to getting back into the swing of things come Tuesday.

Thursday Ken and I had a wonderful dinner with Chris, Becky, & Analia. Analia is growing so quickly already! She is wearing 3 month clothes!!

Friday I babysat a sweet little girl. It was fun, she is 18 months old and a very smart cookie! Even with the storms and electricity being out for a couple hours she was good and had fun. We laid on the couch with candles lit, and I sang songs to her. We sang Jesus Loves Me, You are my sunshine, This Little light of mine, and she finally fell asleep to Amazing Grace... :) Got her up this morning and got dressed. She was just a doll!

Today was spent at the scratch ankle for a couple hours. The tribe had a booth out with some jewelry, dream catchers, paintings, etc.
*side note* It is not like it was when I was growing up. It is now 99% vendors (either food or crafts) selling things, or politicians. What happened to being kid oriented? I think they should go back to being for the kids one day. They have other festivals people can sell at.
It was nasty weather - raining, thundering, lightening, under tornado watches, etc. So around 1 we decided to close up shop. We packed up and came home. It was great, I was able to cuddle up with my husband and take a nap. I have such a wonderful, loving husband. He is the best.

My Goal...

I have made myself a goal. Actually I have one BIG goal and several small goals to help me obtain the BIG goal.

BIG GOAL: Lose 45 lbs

Small goal 1: eat a 1200 calorie diet every day
Small goal 2: walk 30 minutes at LEAST 3 times a week
Small goal 3: join in a group fitness class

I am achieveing small goal 1 with the help of livestrong.com/myplate. This awesome site helps me to track my food and water eaten throughout the day. I am on the "lose weight" dare on there as well which is a great forum with very supportive e-friends.

I am achieveing small goal 2 by just DOING it. I am trying to do my WiiFit on alternate days as well. I have done pretty good at staying motivated on my own.

Next payday I am going to take care of small goal 3. I am joining Aqua Bella fitness club. Here I will be able to do my cardio inside if it is raining (or too hot) with the eliptical, bikes, or treadmills, can do a circit training, and strength training. They also have an indoor pool and water aerobics and water kickboxing!

My first weight goal is to loose 25 lbs by August. Then the other 20 before the end of the year. I want to be under 200 lbs before 2011. I can do this

Apologies

I want to apologize to anyone who was following the 1 month New Testament challenge. I failed. I got very busy and it fell through the cracks, if you kept it up without me KUDOS to you!!

Disappointment rains down

Okay, so really only one thing about this week is REALLY disappointing... I have gained 4 lbs since last Wednesday :( I guess that is such a bummer because I have been trying SOoo hard to loose weight. I have started walking (attempting every day, but goal is at least 3 times a week), I've even started jogging!! I'm eating smaller healthier choices... but gained weight!! Very disappointing. But I am going to keep it up... maybe things will turn around.

GOOD THINGS IN MY LIFE

Again I say, I RAN!!! And nothing was chasing me!!! Yesterday I decided to try it, since I'm going to play softball I have to be able to at least run the bases. I made it ... maybe 1/10 of a mile. But the funny thing is, I was excited to get off work today and try again!! I ran almost triple that today!!! I can't run the whole thing in a straight line... I have to stop and walk a little then run again. But it is very very exciting for me.

I am going to the Extraordinary Women e-conference this weekend!! I'm so stoked about that!! Friday night the speaker is Karen Kingsbury!!! Only my most favorite author EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't know many of the other speakers but I'm super excited to see what God has in store, especially for me because I didn't even know about the conference until last week. Mentioned to mom I would like to go, and she called me last night to tell me someone wanted to get rid of a ticket. When I called her today, that ticket had already been sold to someone else... :( but after calling a few more people, they were able to find a ticket for me, so OBVIOUSLY I'm supposed to be there....

Bible Challenge W1D3

Daily Key Verse: Matthew 28:18-20

Jesus came and told his disciples, “I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

Bible Challenge W1D2

Did you read your scripture for the day?

Todays Key Verse:

Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”


- Do you treat your neighbors/friends/family like you would treat yourself?? Do we show TRUE love to them? How about the person who cut out in front of us driving down the road?

Bible Challenge Week 1 Day 1 (W1D1)

How did you do in your reading today? I have not read as of yet, I went to visit my parents, brother and sister in law and new niece, so I am going to read some tonight and probably use one of my grace days this weekend to catch up!

Daily Key Verse:

Jesus told them, “Go back to John and tell him what you have heard and seen — the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised to life, and the Good News is being preached to the poor. And tell him, ‘God blesses those who do not turn away because of me." ~ Matthew 11:4-6

Are you up to the challenge?

Tomorrow starts Week 1 of the challenge... are you up for it?! I'm so excited, and it was funny, Pastor is doing a month long New Testament reading... they are splitting it up a little different with only 2 grace days during the month, and are reading straight through. I will load the daily key verses at the end of the days they coincide with.



WEEKLY THOUGHT (week 1)

Matthew 16:13 says, "Who do people say the Son of Man is?" and Matthew 16:15 says, "Who do you (my disciples) say I am?" One of the primary questions being answered by the Gospel testimonies is, "Who is Jesus?" As you read, remember that everything points to the facts that He is the Christ!



WEEK 1 READING PLAN

MON 3/29 Matthew 1:1 ~ 12:50
TUE 3/30 Matthew 13:1 ~ 23:39
WED 3/31 Matthew 24:1 ~ 28:20 & Acts 1:1 ~ 4:37
THU 4/01 Acts 5:1 ~ 15:41
FRI 4/02 Acts 16:1 ~ 28:31
SAT GRACE DAY
SUN GRACE DAY

*Remember if you get behind during the week you have 2 days at the end of the week to make up for it! Don't stress!!!

I CHALLENGE YOU!!!

So I was reading a friends blog, and he had a list of his favorite sites on his blog, one of which was a plan to read the New Testament in a month. I am horrible about remembering sites,but I think it was newthru30.com. But I do have a reading plan, and borrowed the weekly thoughts and key verses.

So this is what is going to happen. I am going to put the reading schedule in here, and once a week on the weekend (either Saturday or Sunday can't guarantee which) I am going to put a reminder weekly reading plan and the weekly thoughts and key verses for the week.

This is not an "ordered" reading of the bible, you won't be reading the books back to back, the person who set this up, has the reading in as much of chronological order as possible.

You are actually only going to be reading 5 of the 7 days a week, you will have 2 Grace Day's each week. So you can either keep on schedule and have two completely free days (of which I would suggest reading one or two chapters in your favorite book of the bible) or you can split up a couple of the days and read all week, but read less 4 of the 7 days.

READING PLAN

MON 3/29 MATTHEW 1:1 ~ MATTHEW 12:50
TUE 3/30 MATTHEW 13:1 ~ MATTHEW 23:39
WED 3/31 MATTHEW 24:1 ~ MATTHEW 28:31; ACTS 1:1 ~ ACTS 4:37
THU 4/01 ACTS 5:1 ~ 15:41
FRI 4/02 ACTS 16:1 ~ ACTS 28:11
SAT 4/03 GRACE DAY
SUN 4/04 GRACE DAY

MON 4/05 MARK 1:1 ~ MARK 11:33
TUE 4/06 MARK 12:1 ~ MARK 16:20; JAMES; GALATIANS
WED 4/07 1 THESSALONIANS; 2 THESSALONIANS; 1 CORINTHIANS 1:1 ~ 11:34
THU 4/08 1 CORINTHIANS 12:1 ~ 2 CORINTHIANS 13:14
FRI 4/09 ROMANS
SAT 4/10 GRACE DAY
SUN 4/11 GRACE DAY

MON 4/12 LUKE 1:1 ~ LUKE 9:62
TUE 4/13 LUKE 10:1 ~ LUKE 20:47
WED 4/14 LUKE 21:1 ~ LUKE 24:53; EPHESIANS, PHILIPPIANS
THU 4/15 COLOSSIANS; HEBREWS
FRI 4/16 PHILEMON; 1 PETER; 2 PETER; 1 TIMOTHY; TITUS
SAT 4/17 GRACE DAY
SUN 4/18 GRACE DAY

MON 4/19 JOHN 1:1 ~ JOHN 10:42
TUE 4/20 JOHN 11:1 ~ JOHN 21:25
WED 4/21 2 TIMOTHY; 1 JOHN; 2 JOHN; 3 JOHN; JUDE
THU 4/22 REVELATION 1:1 ~ REVELATION 11:19
FRI 4/23 REVELATION 12:1 ~ REVELATION 22:21
SAT 4/24 GRACE DAY
SUN 4/25 GRACE DAY