envy and sadness

Lately I have felt... empty. I'm not sure why. I feel exhausted mentally, physically, and most of all spiritually. Like I am going through the motions. I hate it. But I have yet to figure out the "quick fix" for it. So I am praying and keep on moving through my life, and more praying. It is not that I dislike my life. I love my life. I love my job (surprise I know), my family (including my inlaws cause they are great), my church, my friends. But I feel like I'm missing out. on something. somewhere. somehow. (not that I have time to fit anything else in my life)

I sometimes wonder if the hugeness (is that a word? ... is now.) of my desire for children is what is keeping God from blessing me. Do I want to much? Do I make the thought of children an idol before me? I pray that is not what I am doing. I feel so alone in this sometimes, though I know I am not. I wonder if anyone else has wanted children or something similar so badly that they had to wonder if it was consuming them. I hold my niece, nephews, or other children and wonder what their parents did right that I can't or didn't do that would have God bless them with such wonderful treasures. Even when my nephews are being little snots :)

I have to remind myself daily, hourly... that God said "For I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11) Then I wonder, what if God's plans for me is not in line with my plans / desires? What if the "good plans" He has for me is to not have children... would I ever be okay with that? Would I be able to handle that? At this point, unfortunately I can't say that I could. Maybe, if Iknew for sure it was never going to happen. But I hate this waiting and wondering game... every month praying that it happens... every day.

I think I hate the feeling that I'm not good enough. That crosses my mind alot. Maybe I'm not good enough to have children. Maybe God knows that I would forget to do something to take care of them, or that they would be better with someone else... I know that is Satan, and I shouldn't let him steal my peace (which I do have peace about this occassionally). I try to convince myself that I will be okay either way and even forget about it... a little. Then I hear about the newest pregnancy in my group of friends / family and realize how much I still struggle with it. How can everyone I know be pregnant and not me?? Then I realize how that is coveting something someone else has and have to repent.

I pray that God will one day... one day give me the desires of my heart. And I pray that if He chooses not to, that He will let me know soon (I'm tired of wondering) and will be the peace in my heart, because I don't know if I could handle that on my own.