Looking back 2011

January was a tough month - Pops was in ICU and facing uncertainty.  Definitely made for long sleepless nights that is for sure.

February was pretty laid back - Pop's miracle came through - God definitely touched his life and healed him!!!  A lot of birthdays (Ken, Ben, Poppy) and of course Valentine's Day.  Which we cooked in for instead of going out.  It was nice for sure!

March brought the birth of Savannah, our newest little niece, Amanda's first baby was born on her own birthday!  Along with that we had other birthdays (Tyler, Travis, Analia).  We also participated in our first 5K - the McGuire's 5K run.

April I went to the Women's E-conference with the church.  Spent wonderful time with my mom and sister along with the other loverly ladies of the church.  This was also the time Jaime and I started becoming friends!



May was an exciting month - we travelled to Tampa to see Ken walk with his graduating class for his Master's Degree!!  I am so proud of him!

June brought on the summer - fun times with friends and family - not to mention Aiyana, Pops, Hunter, and my birthdays!

July was a laid back month of friends and family. I went shark fishing for the first time with new friends Josh and Jessica, we went on a double date with Dane and Jaime, and out nieces & nephews continue to grow every day!

August - we bought a new car!



September was a busy month! We had daddy's big 50th surprise party!!! Then Keaton's birthday. Then the Dyal Family reunion- the weekend long family reunion at Camp Timpoochee. 

In October my baby brother turned 21 - man I'm getting old. We spent quality time with our nieces (Savannah and Analia) good friends and celebrated our 2nd Anniversary!



November was the month of the Women's retreat - this year was my first one, and I look forward to many more years of this tradition. And of course, Thanksgiving, Savannah's first, and we had the Agiulars over and even went and shot skeet out back (I HIT ONE!) that evening!  Fun day!

And even though December isn't over yet - it has been busy too!  We participated in the Milton Christmas Parade with the Royal Rangers (Daddy and Ken are over them) and G.E.M.S. - And won 1st place in the float competition!! Also, Ken and I were the "stars" in the church Christmas Program and boy was it a tear jerker...

Surgery for Ken

On Thursday (Dec 15th) Ken went in to have "explorartory surgery" on his prostate - their expectation of what would happen would be that they would go in and do some biopsies of the prostate and anything else they may see as an "emergency" or something they can do while they are in there.

While they were in there they see that he had a stricture in his urethea,  they hollowed that out.  When they looked at the prostate - it was great looking and needed NO biopsies!

So the pros and cons of this surgery for Ken:

Pros:
1) The stricture was the cause of the consistent (5+years) infection of the prostate - now that is fixed.
2) The stricture could have been some of the cause of infertility.
3) Constant antibiotics could have been some more of the cause of infertiflity.
4) The doctor said since this is done, it won't ever get that way again - so it is fixed permanently.
5) He has me to baby him for 4 straight days then after work the rest of the time

Cons:
1) He is stuck with a catheter for 12 days!
2) #1 is VERY VERY painful.
3) We are going to miss a lot of Christmas celebrations (so if you don't see us, don't be surprised)
4) He is going to miss a few doe days during hunting season (this is the worse for him I think)

Overall, this is looking to be a good thing - the infection has always put him in pain and was constantly uncomfortable. The catheter pain seems to be getting a little better, he is still (of course) uncomfortable, and painful, but not nearly as bad as the first day.  Keep us in your prayers as we continue on this journey together, our story, our life.

He cries with me...

I can't explain how I feel, or why the fact that God has spoken to me to let me know I will have a child one day doesn't make the sadness, emptiness, longing and hurt go away. It should - in all rights and purposes of faith and promises - I shouldn't feel this way every time.  So I cannot explain why these promise do not help most of the time.

I spent quite a bit of time on the phone with my mom - who helped put a lot of things (like how wonderfully blessed I am) into perspective.

Then I got off the phone, and talked to God.  A lot of it centered around "why" - some anger, some hurt, a lot of questions and confusion.  As I'm at my brink, tears streaming down my face, I finally give up and just let Him know - I won't stop waiting, I won't stop believing in His promise to me, but I will be weak at times, and He will have to carry me... and it will probably be more often than not...

At that time, I could swear He started crying with me. As the rain fell from the sky (the light sprinkle that stopped shortly after I went in) He wanted me to know something I haven't felt was true in a very long time. He loves and cares about what is hurting me.

My God loves me. He wants to take my hurt away.  One day He will lay out His plan - and it will all make sense why His timing is so perfect.

For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans for hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

My Faith Book

I'm living this dream and desire on complete faith.  God made me a promise a little less than 6 months ago - and though I don't know the when - there is no doubt on the if.

See this on sale and had to pick it up.  I'll keep it where I can see it and remind myself everyday that it is all in HIS good timing. 

Happy day!

So today I found out my lifelong bestie Somer is pregnant!!! After a few years of hard times and troubles God had blessed them! I am excited for the things to come in her life!!!

25 prayers for my husband

I must give credit where credit is do. I got this off Pinterest.com.

25 Prayers for my husband

I pray...

... That he continues to grow spiritually through the disciplines of Bible study, prayer, and quiet times. (Proverbs 4:23)
... That his relationship with God will bear much fruit in his life, and that he will be a man who seeks wisdom and understanding (Proverbs 3:7, Psalm 112:1)
... That he would walk humbly with God, and would always be convicted quickly about any sin in his life. (Micah 6:8)
... That he will continue to grow as the leader of our family, and that God would be glorified in our marriage (Ephesians 5:25-29)
... That he would have a teachable spirit and a servant's heart, and that he will listen to God and desire to do His will. (Proverbs 15:33)
... That he would always look to the way of escape from any kind of temptation, and that he would rely on God to remain faithful to our marriage, and to God. (1Corinthians 10:13)
... That he would safeguard his heart against inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex, and this heart would be pure and undivided in his commitment to me and our marriage. (Proverbs 6:23-25)
... That he would continue to be able to provide for our family, and that he will not become discouraged by doing work that he does not enjoy.
... That money would never become a source of discord for our family, and that we would be wise in handling finances and in stewardship. (Luke 16:13)
... That the words he speaks will build our family, and reflect a heart of love. (Proverbs 18:21)
... That our physical intimacy would be a positive reflection of selfless live. (Song of Solomon 7:10)
... That the men in his life would encourage his accountability before God, and that he would be a Godly influence on his friends and coworkers. (Proverbs 13:20,27:17)
... that he would chose healthy foods and activities, and honor God by taking the best possible care of his body as the tabernacle of God. (1 Corinthian 6:19)
... For his strength - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. (Ephesians 3:16)
... For him to have wisdom and discernment in training and disciplining our children, and that You would enable him to love them unconditionally. (Ephesians 6:4)
... That he would always have an eternal perspective, and make the mist of however much time he has in this life. (Ephesians 5:16)
... That he would always be a man of peace, who allows the Holy Spirit to lead his responses in all situations (Romans 14:19)
... That he would have a balanced life in regards to work and play, and that he would submit his schedule to You. (Proverbs 16:9)
... For him to find favor with the Lord, but also with people he knows and interacts with. (Luke 2:52)
... That he would enjoy peace and refreshment in his relationship with the Lord. (psalm 16:11)
... That he would always be courageous in his stand against evil and injustice, and that he will protect our family from Satan's attacks. (Ephesians 6:13)
... That he would be a man of prayer, seeking God in purposeful ways. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)
... That he will serve God and others with pure motives, and that God would be glorified in everything he does. (Colossians 3:23-24)
... That he would offer all his dreams to the Lord, and pursue only those that bring God glory, and that count for eternity. (Jeremiah 29:11)
... That he will recognize the lies of the enemy in his life, and that he will always be guided by the truth. (2 Corinthian 10:4-5)

Jacksonville

Monday we made the trip to Jacksonville, only to be told that she was not the doctor that would be able to help.  She did answer some questions for us though.  We know now that one medicine is the cause of the other problem. And we need to make a decision which issue is most important to us.

However, looking back, it was not a wasted trip.
It is a beginning.

I had a lot of thinking and praying time.  I have been letting this situation control my life.

I have let it get me down.  I rarely smile.  I have gained 10 lbs.  I am irritable.  But the scariest part of all, I allowed this situation to push me to a point to question my faith and God.

This situation will not control me.  This situation will not change who my God is to me. I will worship and praise His name, REGARLESS of the outcome or the timeframe because He alone is worthy. He knows the best plan for my life.  He knows that I may need to go through this to be stronger for something else that may come later. I don’t know, but it’s not my place to know.

“I will praise him in this storm.”

“Do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you
Cause He made you to do
Every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do.”

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path.”

Psalm 37:4, 7a “Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Rest in the LORD, andwait patiently for him.”

Proverbs 3:7-8 “Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.”

Isaiah 41:10
“So do not fear, for I am with you;  do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Habakkuk 2:3 For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.

Psalms 27:14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Psalms 37:7 Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

Micah 7:7 Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me.

Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Big Day or no?

Still not really sure if tomorrow is gonna be a big day for us or not.

We get up at 5:00am so we can be in Jacksonville by 2:00pm for Ken's first appointment with his specialist from Shan's hospital.

I'm nervous and excited all wrapped in one. I have no idea what to expect. And it could be nothing, just like any other first consult... But we have no clue. Wait and see.

I know that my God has promised to walk beside me. And when I'm in heaven one day, I will look back and probably only see one set of footprints on this particular leg of my journey... From my heavenly Father carrying me when o cannot do it anymore.

Season of Healing

Tonight in choir was awesome.  Brother Doug spoke to everyone on this being the choir's season of healing, that we have all been being attacked physically by satan and it is time to take authority over it and move into a season of healing.

As he is talking, all I can think about is Ken.  I would give anything to be able to take this communion and healing for Ken's body.  No more issues with his body, no more grief over this sickness and lack of completeness going on in his body.  It brought me to tears, which is more than I can say I've been feeling in over a week I've just kind of been dead to everything. I didn't want healing, I want my husband healed.

As he is about to go into the communion and I'm begging God to let Ken have the healing Doug looks at me and says, it doesn't have to be for you, it can be for Ken.  *OKAY God!!!* 

So I know just like the man that Jesus healed in John 5 - Ken will be well!  He is healed.  My savior took stripes on His back for my husbands COMPLETE and TOTAL healing. Now, to just wait on the doctor's realizing it. 

Walls

Lately I feel like there is a fifty foot wall between myself and God. I haven't learned how to climb over it yet... So all I can do is praise Him. In good times and bad He deserves all the praise.

I feel deserted and defeated in my heart. But in my mind I know that is tricks and lies from satan. I feel like all I do is rebuke him. I have come to the realization that I cannot overcome this defeated feeling on my own. So I will worship and praise my wonderful Savior because even when I don't feel like it, He is worthy and He is standing there with me guiding me through the pitch black times in my life.

I am standing on the promises He sent to me (Isaiah 54)a couple months ago. Even though I don't know how or when I have to believe He is a God who keeps His promises. And even though I feel like they may have been delivered to the wrong person... He knows... He has a great and mighty plan for our lives. All I have to do is trust Him. Oh, and hold on tight!

Staying Strong

It's been kind of a hard couple of weeks.  Seeing my nieces and nephews, hearing of a good friends recent pregnancy, playing with sweet babies. Wondering when me God?

The question "will it ever be?" is no longer in my mind.  God has made PERSONAL promises to me, and I do not doubt that at all.  It actually makes me excited.  I mean, God SPOKE to me, through His servants, some who didn't even KNOW what I was going through/desiring.  That made the message that much more personal.  How loving is a God who sits you down and says, "Okay Toshana, I've heard you, I know what you want, now trust me that I will provide, I WILL give you what you want."  That just made God that much more personal to me!! 

Even going through the hard months of waiting, I have His promise to stand on.  He has heard my cries, and He will provide.

"Sing, O childless woman, you who have never give birth!
Break into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem, you who have never been in labor.
For the desolate woman now has more children than the woman who lives with her husband,
says the Lord.
Enlarge your house; build an addition.
Spread out your home, and spare no expense!
For you will son be bursting at the seams."

and He speaks again...

I never get tired of people hearing God and telling me what He has to say for me.  Last week was Isaiah 54, which really spoke to my heart... this week God sent a wonderful woman of Him to tell me that He WILL give me the desires of my heart, it WILL be done, and not to worry about it.

My God is MIGHTY, POWERFUL, LOVING, AMAZING, EXTRAORDINARY!!!

Promises and Blessings

Today we had an amazing service at church.  Ken came down to the alter so I could pray healing over him.  Before hand I was praying (and crying) and asking God, "whatever I need to do for his (ken) healing, I will, I feel like I'm begging, the same words over and over, and quite frankly, I'm tired of begging." 

A good friend/woman of God came to me and said that God laid Isaiah 54 on her heart and that it was for us (Ken and I). 

The part of Isaiah 54 that REALLY touched me reads:

Sing, O childless woman, you who have never given birth!
Break into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem, you who have never been in labor.
For the desolate woman now has more children than the woman who lives with her husband, says the Lord.
Enlarge your house; build an addition.
Spread out your home, and spare no expense!
For you will soon be bursting at the seams
Your descendants will occupy other nations and resettle the ruined cities.

... For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great compassion, I will take you back.
In a burst of anger I turned my face away for a little while.
But with everlasting love I will have compassion on you," says the Lord, your Redeemer.

"Just as I swore in the time of Noah that I would never again let a flood cover the earth,
So now I swear that I will never again be angry and punish you.
For the mountains may move and the hills disappear,
but even then my faithful love for you will remain. 
My covenant of blessing will never be broken," says the Lord, who has mercy on you.

YES GOD!!!!!

simple ponderings

Sometimes I wonder... "how did God decide who I was going to be?"

Couldn't I have just as simply been a fish to be caught on a hook, or a dog to be loved (or not) by an owner?

Today we went to the creek, and Ken went fishing.  As he is catching some brim, he would bring them to me and I would put them on a stringer.  I was laying out in the sun relaxing and just thinking, couldn't I have just as easily been a fish?  I guess the the great scheme of things the answer is simple, no I couldn't have "been a fish". 

Even though I can't see it, God has a set plan for my life. Sometimes it aggravates the MESS out of me that I don't know what it is, or that it is not going along as I planned. But He is slowly unveiling His plan for me, even though I cannot always see it.

Self doubt and pity

I don't know what it was all about today. I'm sure it was attacks from Satan but geese will he just give up already?!?!

Had an amazing time of slipping into a blissful worship session with my Creator... When the song 'How He loves me' comes on.

This is an amazing song:
He is jealous of me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the wind and the rain of His mercy.

How He loves me, oh how he loves me...

This last loving wonderful worship song I get to this chorus about how much God is in love with little ol me ... And here comes that evil whisper...

"God doesn't really love you... If He did He would give you the desires of your heart like He promises... He doesn't even care what you want."

I definitely had to rebuke that thought but I guess in a way it is my fault because I still entertain the thought... I do wonder if God does really love me. And if so then why? Alll I seem to be lately is a whined for not getting what I want and when I want it... I am the whined in the grocery store who gets on your nerves... Heck... I am getting on my nerves!

Oh how He loves me

This week I've been being attacked by Satan on a number of levels, one in particular.  That my past sins and how I led my life while I was away from Him is the reason that we are having problems conceiving, why Ken is having health problems, etc.  I have essentially felt like, I am being punished, and I mean, what can I say, I did the sin.  These thoughts and doubts led me to wonder, am I really saved, does He really care?   OF course I am!!!  God is going to deliver me through this battle too.

A wonderful lady prayed over me today and I haven't told anyone how I felt about it being my fault.  But her prayers basically consisted of God wiping away my past sins, not only in forgiveness, but out of my mind, to allow me to forgive myself!!!!  What an amazing concept.  I make myself feel worse about the situation because I have not forgiven myself, until today!!!

God is amazing, and I'm here to tell you that He will take you, shake you, and deliver you! 

Fear doubt and resentment

Sometimes I don't know what to think about the whole baby thing. I've had people pray for me and the situation, they've told me that God is going to give me the desires of my heart, and I believe that... most of the time.

Satan has really been attacking me with doubt, fear, questions, anger at God, etc etc. It is HARD to hold to the truth sometimes. I feel so beat down sometimes I don't even think I know what the truth is!!! I question if the people really heard from God telling them He will give me the desires of my heart... or they are just saying that... but you know, not EVERY time does God want what you want... I just don't think it happens that way.  There are some things, for some reason, God doesn't see that being the best path for your future.  I understand it, but I don't like it.

But I do know that I have to trust in Him, that He will direct me.  I have to learn to give myself to His ways and what He wants for my life. Maybe I will get there one day and stop letting satan attack me from all sides.

Friends

I cannot thank God enough for sending us amazing friends!!  He has definitely blessed us with Jaime & Dane!  Ken is so glad that I have a girlfriend to take shopping now (he HATES to go) and I am so grateful to have someone to talk to.  Ken has a friend they can do stuff (like burn the pile of brush in our backyard) with that isn't scared of catching the house on fire.... not so sure how grateful I am of that - haha - but the house did NOT catch on fire, just for the record.  God is very good to us and knows just the right people to add to our life!

Boating = Epic Fail

Ken and I are on vacation this week... and it has been wonderful.  We decided sometime this week we would go out on Daddy's boat. 

So our first try was on Tuesday, but it was supposed to storm early afternoon. So we decided not to chance getting stuck in the storm.  Instead we went to breakfast, then to Walmart. I went shopping with Jamie after that :) Long fun day!

Second try on Wednesday. Get to Mom & Dad's and the trailer doesn't fit on Ken's hitch ball or whatever that thing-a-ma-jiggy is called. But it was okay... we went to Defuniak Springs to Chataqua Winery.  On the way back we stopped at the riverwalk and ate our lunch we packed for the boat.  It was so----o nice!!  :) We went to Pensacola to get a 2" thing-a-ma-jiggy so we could go boating today.  On the way back I was able to see my niece!  She is growing so fast!  Just think, God's hand was in us not getting the boat on the thing-a-ma-jiggy!  We were able to enjoy beautiful scenery, have a wonderful lunch in a beautiful spot with my loving husband, and see my niece I haven't been able to see for a while!

So, today comes.  We get the hitch thing-a-ma-jiggy and it doesn't fit on the truck... then we start looking at Ken's closer, and it IS a 2" thing-a-ma-jiggy!!!!!  hahahahaha!! So, we go down and get the boat on the truck. We get to the basin and put in. I noticed the boat sank down pretty bad when we got in, I was like "sheesh I couldn't have gained THAT much weight on our vacation!" Ken forgot to put the plug in, we were takin' on water!!  So we got the water out, the plug in and tried to crank up... and tried to crank up.... and... well you get the picture.  It didn't ever turn over, apparently the battery for that was dead.

Our next thought... We will just take the trolling motor and fish a little in the basin... as we are going around the basin and the trolling motor screws strip out of the boat!!!!!!!!!!!  So now we have no big motor, no trolling motor... luckily Daddy had a paddle in the boat.  Well, it was a busted paddle, but a paddle just the same :) We did finally make it to shore.

I swore to Ken I would not have anymore "good" ideas. And if I do I will keep them to myself!!!

But Rebel had fun!! :)

Unselfish love

How different we are from Jesus.

When we go through tough times in our life, our hurts that come emotionally, physically or mentally we cannot focus on anything but ourselves. How much we should have what we want, how much we hurt, how badly that person hurt us. We just can't go on.  It is all about us. If we get hurt emotionally we pull away from everyone, everything. Taking it to a physical level, if we get hurt physically we want someone to take care of us, to baby us, etc.  I know!!  I am the biggest baby ALIVE when I'm sick (my husband my question that with 'ONLY then??').

Yet while Jesus is on the cross ~ the most EXCRUCIATING pain that anyone could ever imagine phycially (the obvious), but also emotionally and physically, I mean He knew He was about to have all the sins of the world, OUR sins, put upon Him, that He would be so covered in our dirtiness, that His Father would even have to turn His head.  How scary that must have been for Him!  Yet while He is in this place of pain, He doesn't focus on Himself. No "Woe is me" for Jesus.  He is more concerned with others. Specifically, the thief. While Jesus is dying... painfully on the cross, taking on the worlds sin, feeling rejected by His Father, what does He do??  He is reassuring the thief!!! He is telling him "It's okay, I tell you today you will be with Me in paradise"

What unselfishness!

Peace in the storm

Tonight is definitely what you would call a 'stormy night'.  Rain, wind, thunder, lightening, hail, the whole nine yards, topped with the fear of a tornado warning.  Can you tell I don't take severe storms well?

It reminds me, that I am no different that Jesus' chosen few (the disciples). Reference Luke 8:22-25.

I can just imagine the storm that night being similar to a night like tonight; pitch black because of the clouds, lightening flashing up above, an odd warm feeling to the air.  Then they get a little further out into the sea, and the wind really start whipping!!! Kind of like how my house was shaking only minutes ago because of that wind!

I can imagine them all grabbing their chests, feeling a tightening feeling in their chest and throat as they begin to have a panic attack. And yes, I definitely know this feeling. Something devastating is about to happen, they can just 'feel' it. 

Then it's like they suddenly remember, "Ah ha! Jesus is on the boat!!!  He'll know what to do!" And they called out to Him. As I have had to do multiple times tonight as fear has tried to overtake me.  But, just as Jesus calmed their storm, and fear.... as I finish writing this... He has calmed my fears, and storm, though it is still minor out there, the heavy storm is over.  And He has protected us.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in You." Psalm 56:3

Prayer

God,

I give it all to you, over and over again
I keep picking it back up though.
Thank you for taking it each time,
This time I could hear you say
"My child, LEAVE it there for me,
I will take your heavy burdens from you."
I will try again God.  Please take my burdens.

You promised me through numerous people,
The desires of my heart You will give.
I know that this can only come from You.
I do not keep asking because I don't think You will pull through,
I ask, because You tell me to.  I beg.

Thank You for the revelation today,
That You are in control, and there is NO ONE else who could be better at that!
That even though I don't understand Your timing, YOU do, and that is all that matters.

One day, I will be able to look back
And see Your perfect plan for my life.
Until then, I am walking each day in faith
That You are the perfect director in this orcrestra called my life.
You know the perfect timing for each person, job, situation to come into my life.

Thank You for all you have shown me today.

God Speaks

Sometimes I worry that my thoughts are not in line with God.  Not that I'm doing something wrong, but that when I ask for an answer, and that thought in the back of your head that says the answer... you know what I mean?

So, we all know my situation with the desire for children, and the outlook that it is possible that it may not happen. It has been a rough emotional weekend, being pulled between my utmost joy for my new little niece to arrive in town, and then the devil trying to steal my joy by those little thoughts of "This will never be you" "No one will ever be coming to visit you and your baby in the hopsital." etc etc etc.

At church this morning I was praying at the alter, my prayers recently have changed from asking God for the desire of my heart (a child) to asking God to just take away those desires, I'm tired of hurting.  Begging Him at points to just take them away.  Then I stopped... and just prayed for God to speak to me, so clearly that I knew it was Him, not wonder if it was just what I wanted to hear.  Mom got some people to pray for us, and was bluntly honest (I love my mommy) and told them "They want a baby"  And they prayed that God would fulfill the desires of our hearts. I know that God is able, I know that He is loving and merciful, and by those means ONLY am I worthy of him fulfilling my desires.  But I know that He loves me, and that surely must account for something.

From today on, I will start looking at why God will bless us with a child, instead of all the reason He wouldn't.  I know:
1) He is my Daddy in heaven and daddy's always want their little girls to have what they want.
2) He is loving
3) He is merciful
4) He promised me the desires of my heart
5) All good things come from Him

I'm looking forward to the great testimony this will be.... against all of the world's odds, He will show His wonderful mercy and miracles!!

Rough Day

I am having a rough day today with the whole "wanting" stage. I thought I had gotten a lot better about it... obviously not. I keep hoping that the shots that Ken is taking will help, but the more I research it, there is no guarantee that it will help.  Will it ever be my turn?  Is there a reason for this?  I guess I just really do not understand, as much as I try to wait on God... I sometimes can't help but wonder if He has turned His back on me in this area in my life.  Life is blooming all around me, except within me.  I think it kills a piece me a little more and more each day. 

I know He will provide, but even Jesus asked "Why have you forsaken me?"

A challenge!

This past week Ken has continued to his doctor visits, and just as he suspected, they turned to his weight as the next "reason" for his medical problems.  The doctor has put him (which in turn means US) on a 1200 calorie diet.  I think this is extrememly low, but she's the doctor, not me.  So I dug through my recipes and came up with as many good tasting recipes that were under 400 calories and we went grocery shopping!

The challenge is in a couple of things, for me the day we started the diet was the start of the one time of month I want to eat EVERYTHING in sight!!! For Ken, it is portion sizes, he starved all day, poor thing!

The other thing the doctor has asked Ken to do.... well, she probably "ordered" it hehe... was 1 hour of exercise a day.  This is going to be the BIGGEST challenge, not only for him, but for me.  Though I have been better at it than he has in the past, mine usually lasts 20-30 minutes a day a sketchy maybe twice a week.  I am very bad about making time for exercise.  But now, I am going to have to physically fight Ken to do it too!!  I'm not looking forward to that part of the challenge.  

I am creating a new blog under my list of blogs, it will be my "CHALLENGE" blog.  I will talk about the recipes I've made recently, how they turned out, and how the exercise challenge is going.  Check it out occassionally too!!

God is so amazing

My Father in Law (Pops) is off of the ventilator and doing great!  He is talking to anyone and everyone he can!   God has definitely shown his hand in this situation. 

There is still a lot of things I'm asking Him to help me with, but He is right on top of things.

So much going on!!!!!

I feel like I'm ready to EXPLODE!!!!! 

Start with update on my Pop's (Father in Law)... Over the last couple of days, we have had so many changes I don't think we know what is up, down, left or right!  He is still unable to come off the ventilator. As of last night, they were going to move him to Acute Select Hospial in Pensacola (specialty hospital for life support patients). Things were looking good, and shouldn't have any problems.  Then this morning we get a call that his kidneys have nearly stopped working all together, he has a blockage in his intestines and they aren't working to clear it, still breathing poorly and they needed to do surgery on his intestines so they were NOT going to transfer him to Acute Hospital.  So we put in to have him moved to Sacred Heart.  So all day today has been spent trying to get him moved.  They finally got him in to his CCU room at SHH around 5:30 this evening and we were able to spend a little time with him.  I think my scariest time during all this came tonight as we were going to leave.  He was awake (why we aren't sure) so we were telling him where he was and that everything would be okay.  He wanted to tell us something so badly he kept trying, we couldn't understand (obviously b/c of the ventilator) we tried to get him to sign it, but he didn't have the strength.  He looked so frustrated and helpless.  I think me and Amanda cried all the way home just about.  It was just so frustrating.  We are very glad to have him in more capable hands, even if the visiting times are a lot more strict.  Don't get me wrong the nurses and respritory therapist were WONDERFUL at Santa Rosa, but the dr left much to be desired (we will leave it at that).   Please keep Pops (Lee) in your prayers, and the rest of the family.  This is a real rough time for everyone....

One of my friends grandmother's passed away today.  She was such a wonderful woman.  She had the patience of a saint!  Haha She had to in order to put up with the two of us together!  There are so many memories I have of her, but the one that sticks out most in my mind was, during one of her visits, she decided me and GG needed to learn to sew a button.  So she wouldn't give in until we both knew how to sew a button.  I have to say, that is a common memory that comes to mind because my husband is ALWAYS popping buttons on his shirts, and every time I sit down to sew it back on I have to say thank you to Grandma Ragsdale for that life lesson she had the patience and time to sit down and teach me.  Heaven recieved a treasure today.

Ken FINALLY recieved some news from the doctors about everything that he has going on.  One doctor wants to meet with him on Monday to go over previous test results, and the other wants to do an MRI to check for anything out of the ordinary before going into alternate treatments.  Not really sure where this is all going to lead, but after almost a year, we are finally moving FORWARD!!! 

Jeremiah 30:17  But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,' declares the Lord, 'because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares."

My family is back together

Well, it isn't all a happy story, but yes, my little family is all back together tonight.  As you know if you keep up with my blog, my husband left last Friday to go hunting in Alabama.  He was scheduled to come back on the 31st.  So Rebel and I packed up and went to my momma's. 

Something I am not sure if anyone was aware of is the fact that my father in law has been in the hospital for over a week (went in Sunday before last).  He was having bad swelling in his legs, and his congestive heart failure (fluid around heart/lungs) was coming out some.  Early Tuesday morning his CO2 levels sky rocketed (145, normal is around 30) and his oxygen bottomed out.  They quickly put him into ICU and was monitoring him very closely.  I left work to go be with Amanda and my mother in law.  We waited, there were a couple times they had trouble rousing him out of sleep (no he was not on any meds to cause this), and we waited, and they finally decided to put him on a ventilator.  He wasn't too keen on the idea, but he did decide to do it.  The doctors were hoping that would take enough stress off of his body (trying to breathe and get oxygen everywhere it was needed) long enough to heal. I called Ken to tell him that his dad was now in critical care and updated him.  He immediately came out of the tree to come home. 

Today I went back to work and Ken stayed with his family.  Pops (my father in law) blood gas level is much better, so they are going to attempt to wean him off the ventilation system tomorrow.  They have to do it slowly to make sure he is breathing properly on his own.  If he isn't they will have to put him back under and keep trying until he is.

So even though I get to lay in bed with my husband (and puppy dog) tonight and that I am grateful for, we are in dire need of your prayers for strength (those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength) and healing in Pops' body. 

10 long days

Ken has left tonight for a 10 day hunting trip.  I think in a way it is more than that for him, it is a trip for spiritual release, for thought, for conversation with God.  I mean, what better place to talk to God than a place that is so quiet that you can hear Him speak back.

For me it is going to be a long 10 days!  In the 4 years we have been together we have not been apart more than a day at a time, just a measely few hours. It is definitely going to be different being away from him so long. I was/am very anxious about it all, being alone, him being away, all the what if's that plauge my mind on a daily basis anyway.

However, after much prayer and giving my anxiety to Him, I do know that if this means a healing in Ken's soul about everything that is going on in our lives, then, he could take more than 10 days.  I know that God will have His way with Ken during this trip.  He is an awesome God and I can't wait to hear how He revealed himself to my husband during their hunting trip and healed my husband's mind and consoled him and loved on him.  It is going to be an amazing trip, even if he doesn't bring home any deer.

Fast 2011 - Day 5

Sorry I missed yesterday's blog.

Today wasn't such a hot day, and I'm not talking about the weather.  I struggled with my food choices today, and ended up giving in tonight and eating my husband's red beans and rice (with 2 (1inch) pieces of sausage) for supper tonight. However, I am not going to beat myself up over it, I asked God's forgiveness for giving in to temptation and I am moving forward.

His grace is sufficient for me!!

Tomorrow is a new day, filled with veggies, love, and prayer!!

Fast 2011 - Day 3

Finally coming out of the slump of sickness.  Feeling a lot better after the second half of today, I slept most of the morning, a laid around most of the afternoon. Definitely ready to get back to work, missed to much of it today.

Unfortunately, coming out of the sickness has made me crave more than the past 2 days.  I have stayed within my fast parameters, but do not feel like I have done my body justice.  I have ate more not so good for me things... Well, I suppose it is mainly the quantity of them.

Breakfast consisted of a peanut butter sandwich (whole wheat sugar free bread) - this is a staple for me.

AM snack - handful of almonds

Lunch - Salad, which consisted of lettuce, tomatoes, onions, avacado (yes, a whole one, which was bad, but it would have gone to waste otherwise - have to get out of that mindset), kidney beans (my protein), and 2 tbsp of ranch.  The biggest calorie killer in that??  The avacado = 250 cal!!!

PM snack (and no I didn't need it, I wanted it... I gave in to my cravings) - cup of hominy with cheese toast

And I have no clue what I am going to have for supper!!  That is a dangerous position to be in.  I will stay within my fast, as I want to honor God this month, and this is how I can do that.  But it may not be good for my weight loss!!!  Maybe I can come up with a good idea before supper...

Fast 2011 - Day 2

Today has been a rough day, I have a cold so I am miserable and craving comfort foods.  You know the kind mac n cheese, biscuit and sausage gravy, fried foods, etc, etc, etc.  Everything that is on my fast.  But I have made it threw the day with fighting myself...  Saying "this is Satan trying to de-rail me" "this fast is not about the food I'm giving up, it is about the self-discipline"  "I am doing this to become closer to God, and no biscuit and gravy is worth that"  And trust me, it was one heck of a fight at some points.  But I have prevailed, with the power of God on my side.  It is wonderful the things that happen with you hand it over to Him! 

We just got some pretty bad news on one of the things on my prayer list.  But that is okay, that will just make it that much more of a miracle that people see when God answers that prayer!! 

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

Fast 2011 ~ Day 1

Today wasn't so bad.  I had a rough spell in the afternoon, but I think that was cravings more than anything.  I need to get me some fruit to snack on during those times.  There were a couple times I had to give my cravings to God. (Easier said than done)

I probably didn't have the most wholesome breakfast, but I'm not sure how to replace it, and it isn't meat or white breads so it fits.  I had a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast.

Lunch consisted of pinto beans and green beans

Almonds for a snack

Supper will be mustard greens and black eye peas (adding a steak for Ken).

Looking through that, no fruit!!  Definitely have to get to the grocery store and buy some fruit.  That is not good!

2011

It was a wonderful first day of 2011.  We began the day sleeping in, then having a comfy breakfast at home, just the two of us (three counting Rebel).  Then we went to the Wallace's for lunch, we cooked out and hung out with some great friends!! We had such a good time eating and playing cards, it was a great start to the new year. 

Unfortunately through the day I started in with those horrible feelings of fear.  I know that God is in control, regardless of the situation, I can't do anything to stop it, but He knows and He is in complete control.  But why can't that be enough?  Why am I still scared?  I think that is what is most confusing to me right now. 

I pray continuously, I know that if God chooses to call me home, it is Him I'm going to, but I wonder, is it a sin to not want to go just yet? I want to be with God, please don't get me wrong... but ah, I don't know how to put it into words right now.