I can't explain how I feel, or why the fact that God has spoken to me to let me know I will have a child one day doesn't make the sadness, emptiness, longing and hurt go away. It should - in all rights and purposes of faith and promises - I shouldn't feel this way every time. So I cannot explain why these promise do not help most of the time.
I spent quite a bit of time on the phone with my mom - who helped put a lot of things (like how wonderfully blessed I am) into perspective.
Then I got off the phone, and talked to God. A lot of it centered around "why" - some anger, some hurt, a lot of questions and confusion. As I'm at my brink, tears streaming down my face, I finally give up and just let Him know - I won't stop waiting, I won't stop believing in His promise to me, but I will be weak at times, and He will have to carry me... and it will probably be more often than not...
At that time, I could swear He started crying with me. As the rain fell from the sky (the light sprinkle that stopped shortly after I went in) He wanted me to know something I haven't felt was true in a very long time. He loves and cares about what is hurting me.
My God loves me. He wants to take my hurt away. One day He will lay out His plan - and it will all make sense why His timing is so perfect.
For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans for hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
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