God is good

So I've had an emotional week. I'm sure I make things more emotional than they have to be. I struggle with the fact that we haven't gotten pregnant yet. It has not be forefront in my mind lately as there have been some other things we are going through that could affect that. But regardless, it is there. I have realized that I have let the frustration, hurt, and blame build up inside of me, at God. However, I let that go this morning. It didn't hit me that was what I was doing, I just felt like I was pulling further and further away from God. Not really wanting to go to church, not really praying like I should, etc. But God moved my heart and tore down some of the walls I had started to build. I couldn't understand why God would deny me the desires of my heart. His Word clearly says, "He will give you the desires of your heart". What did I do wrong? Am I paying for mistakes in my past? Am I now reaping what I have sown in the past? Which I know I have to do. But I couldn't figure out where to "place" the blame. Either God has thrown me out with the trash or I must have done something wrong. So I hit the alter hard today, after God smacked me in the head. He is so awesome, I boo-hoo'd like a baby. My momma prayed with me and afterward she was willing to share a conversation she had with God. She told me that she asked God why He wouldn't give her child a baby. (It's great to know you have a great momma that talks to God for you) And He answered her and said that He will, He's just enjoying me now.

So, with reassurance I say, "Enjoy me God. Let me be pleasing to You. For I know you will give me the desires of my heart. I KNOW it. No more doubts, no more fears. You love me, and will care for me and give me my desires" and until then I have lots of babies around me to play with! haha