Death and Fear

I don't even think I know where to start. I guess to start with what brought this post on.  I'm sure you have seen my previous posts about my fears, and one of which is death.  And God and I are working on this real hard to overcome it. But I found out tonight that one of my second cousins, Cathy Ann, was killed in a car accident last night.  It almost seems unreal, as we were with her last weekend at our family reunion. It made me think how much we don't know how long we have.

I KNOW that Jesus died for me and I KNOW He said "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die..." in John 11:25.  And I absolutely BELIEVE this.  But it is the dying part that scares me, not what happens afterwards! 

There is just that realm of the unknown that dangles there. I don't know why it captivates me (and not in a good way). I know that heaven, and being with God is the ultimate of the ultimate.  Better than we can EVER imagine.  Though sometimes I feel like there is so much I need to do here.  There are people I need to see come to God.  There are people I need to love on (KEN/my nieces and nephews/mom and dad/other family), things I want to do (have and raise a baby), and things I want to see (the awesome things God has in store for my family and friends, and the great miracles He is going to work).  and I know that God may not have all that in His plan for me, and for some reason that scares me.  Maybe because I'm no longer in control.  I've never seen myself as a control freak, or needing control, but maybe that is what it is.  I know I wasn't alone in my struggle, Phillipians 1:22-23 "But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me".   Though my struggle seems a lot more selfish when I compare it.

Just hearing this horrible, sad news about my cousin who had to leave behind her children and family.  I am having to pray off a panic attack over this mess.  But God did NOT give me a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, and a SOUND MIND!!!!  (2 Timothy 1:7)  Satan will NOT win this battle.  God is with me and will continue to be with me.

I need prayers, from anyone who is willing to remember me in prayer as much as possible.  Prayer that God would deliever me from this fear, that He will comfort me and give me peace, that He will control my panic attacks, that He will bring me closer and closer to Him, and build my relationship with Him.